The Four-Step Plan is still in place!!
First off, if you’re reading this, thank you so much! Lately I’ve been running into issues where I put information on my blog, and then forget to actually verbally tell people what’s going on in my life. So, for example, I go back to substitute teaching next week. So I reference that, and virtually everyone is surprised. So, I need to get better about remembering that not everyone has time to read Apostate Turtle entries. However, since you’re here, you probably remember my four-step plan. Which, I’ve actually been pretty consistent in carrying out the plan. They may be thinking about how, between the kidney stone and the Spravato, my start date to go back to work was going to be pushed back. However, the kidney stone situation has been fully resolved, and I put the kibosh on the Spravato. So, I’m going back to work on Tuesday.
Now, I will concede that September is looking weird. Basically, the way it works is that I can work nine shifts a month. So, generally, that would work out to about two shifts a week. However, given the specifics of my situation, I’m massively incentivized to only work on days that fall in the same calendar month as the date of my check. I’ve been through this before, and what helps is a paper calendar and different colors of highlighters. So, I bought a planner for 2025-2026. To give you an example of a normal month, this is October:
The yellow didn’t show up very well. But weekdays between October 1 and October 10 are highlighted in green, and then a green circle on October 16 indicates that that is the corresponding payday. Then, workdays between October 13-24 are paid on October 30. I can’t work the last week of October because those days are paid in November, which is a different calendar month.
So, pretty simple, right? Yeah, except that the first payday of the school year this year is on September 4. So let me show you how that plays out:
Monday is a holiday, so in order to get my nine days, I have to work every available workday between 9/2 and 9/12. This is an absolutely normal thing that adults can do. But, I’m supposed to be going to a million appointments every week, which is exactly why I was trying to get a job working the overnight shift. Substitute teaching is great because it’s per diem, but it does mean that I’m at work during the same hours that I’m supposed to be in therapy or DBT class or whatever. I happened across a validating meme on this recently:
Trying to get things in place
Water
Anyway, it seems like it’s feast or famine until October. So I’m trying to take advantage of summer break to get my ducks in a row. First off, I obviously need to be drinking water. I know this, okay? I’d tried everything. I’d tried the motivational water bottles, I’d tried the apps, and I’d tried berating myself. NO success! Well, fortunately, I found this YouTube video:
Dan, if you ever read this, you are my hero!!
The video just says that your body can absorb 200 mL every 15 minutes. He said that 200 mL was essentially “five big sips.”
Well, you know I’m not going to actually do the five big sips. What I did do was get 15 small, re-usable water bottles and a cute wooden tray. Every morning, I get out my measuring cup and put 200 mL of water in each bottle. Surprisingly, this is working. At least, it has been for the past couple weeks. I think the issue before was that I was never satisfied with myself, because of vague directions. “Drink water slowly throughout the day” isn’t specific, so I never feel like I accomplished the goal. And it helps to have things pre-measured. Beacause usually when my timer goes off, I’m in the middle of something. So, this way, I can just grab some water bottles and go do what I have to do. I may take a picture at some point, but I think that the fact that the tray is pretty is also helpful. It makes me feel good, when usually I have a negative emotional association with failing at drinking enough water.
Food
In other news, I got signed up for a weight clinic. While I was employed full-time, my physical health declined really fast, but it wasn’t because of the job: it was because that employer-sponsored health insurance didn’t cover medications that I needed. So, I’m back on my old health insurance, so I got to get signed up for the weight clinic. The first provider I met wasn’t the most pleasant, although she helped with a few things. First, I didn’t know my B12 was low, so she said to take a supplement. She also had a few other suggestions, but the main thing was that she tweaked the GLP-1 inhibitor. The backstory there was that I was on a GLP-1 inhibitor until I got my job, then the new insurance wouldn’t pay. Then I got my old insurance back and my PCP managed to get me back on the medication, but it was extremely difficult, because my new insurance noted that I had not actually died during the six months that I was off the med. So I was back on it, but there were so many problems getting it filled. The new doctor was successful at negotiating with insurance. However, she also had really confusing opinions about nutrition. She asked what I did for protein, and I said beans and rice. She said to just eat the beans, not the rice. I said but beans aren’t a complete protein? She looked at me like I had three heads and wrote in the notes that I wasn’t getting enough protein.
So, I had been operating off of that page in The Cheese Trap that said to eat fruits, vegetables, grains, and legumes. Now I’m being told all this stuff about protein that did not connect to my prior understanding. So I was scouring the internet for more specific information, and apparently most people do not actually think very much about the nine essential amino acids for adult humans. I finally found a book that talked a little bit about this
I would recommend the book (for the pictures alone- if I had a coffee table, it would be on it!), but I still had a bunch of questions. So then the other day I saw the dietician, and told her I was willing to let go of previous ideas if they were wrong. However, I needed her to meet me where I was at so I could connect new information to prior knowledge. Well, as it happened, she had also been vegan and had read The Cheese Trap and knew exactly where I was coming from! Weirdly, she thought I was great, which definitely wasn’t the vibe I had gotten off the first person.
So, it turns out, that the Achilles heel in my system was that I was eating refined grains rather than whole grains. I did not know that the amino acid profile was different between the two. So, she gave me a bunch of tips and drove home the importance of whole grains. Now, not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty good with spreadsheets. I mean, I’m the one who compiled that document for the cheapest vegan protein (which probably should be updated for inflation). Anyway, I crafted this masterpiece:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1nAatk5Lg7saeEpw6xOibZc0jz5u2atIi-Vm9kIjHxmA/edit?usp=sharing
So, that was cathartic. If anyone is curious the amino acid profile of different foods, you can click the link. It’s definitely a lot less novel than the cheap vegan protein spreadsheet, since I didn’t do any calculations; I just copied info and graphed it my own way. Also, it’s really hard to find the recommended daily intake of each of the amino acids, because different sources disagree with each other, so the amounts in the headers should be taken with a huge grain of salt. Mainly, my point was to be able to look at a whole bunch of different categories of foods and note which ones were lacking in what.
I will note that this is a mixed bag for mental health. Losing weight should help with chronic pain and make me able to do things again. However, some days, I’ve probably been eating less than the 1,200 calories, which potentially could be problematic. I don’t know how to calculated calories in home-cooked food without meticulously measuring things, and historically, I could just count on myself to have hunger signals so eating enough was never an issue.
Getting onto a schedule
This has been the hardest part lately. I have an alarm clock that’s supposed to be at least 100-120 decibels, because I tend to sleep through alarms. Then I recently started sleeping through that alarm, so I got a FitZap, which is an alarm clock you wear on your wrist that delivers a mild electric shock in the morning. So, I have the FitZap and the super-loud alarm clock at the same time, plus a “voice” alarm on my phone that tells me to take my caffeine pill so I can go back to sleep. Then, 30 minutes later, it’s the same thing (super loud alarm clock + electric zap), except the voice alarm breaks it to me that I have to get up. This system is working less well than I would have expected, but I figure that’s because my brain knows that it doesn’t actually have to be anywhere right now. Fingers crossed I’m more successful when I have to actually go to work. I don’t actually know what I can add to this routine, aside from probably going to bed earlier.
Mental health treatment options
I’ve been really trying to be responsible keeping PTSD under control. Right now, the main opportunites seem to be:
I don’t know the plural of “no-go”
I talked to the person at the TMS clinic, and it did not sound promising at all. You have to go in five days a week, so obviously you can’t work while doing that. It doesn’t treat PTSD; it just treats the secondary depression. Results are varied, but the effects don’t last too long after you stop treatment. So that felt like a waste of time. I still think EMDR would be good, but it’s tabled for now because my therapist says I’m “not ready.” So I don’t know what she’s actually waiting for, but apparently it’s not an option in the short-term. A community-based mental health place does groups twice a week for like an hour, but of course that’s during work hours. And the Spravato had a paradoxical effect. So those are scratched out.
Clubhouse
I haven’t totally given up on the clubhouse, but it is very boring. I thought that you could make friends there, but I guess we’re not allowed to play cards or board games or anything because we’re supposed to be applying for jobs. Which, I have a job; I just need social supports to keep my mental health together so I can be successful at the job. But, it sounds like there’s a lot of overhead. And it was just really emotionally depressing because I wanted to be out being a professional and using my degree, and instead I’m in “clubhouse” with people with intellectual impairments. They seem like lovely people, but it’s really hard for me to relate them as equals. Their lives are hard, because nobody wants to have to be going to these sorts of programs every day instead of being able to be out earning money and living our best lives. The difference is, most of the people there have either underlying genetic conditions, or suffered some sort of TBI. Whereas in my case, other humans sabotaged me. So it’s really hard to be there without thinking about what could have been. And, yeah, hopefully things will get better, but traumatizing myself for hours every day probably isn’t what’s going to get me there.
DBT Skills Group
This is another thing that I was hoping would go differently. Basically, there is one level of DBT skills group. So, I got signed up to go on Wednesday mornings. Last time I was in a DBT group, it was great. The problem here is that every session is two full hours. And so far, there’s been almost no new information. So, I really really wish there were separate classes for people who have never come across this information before in their lives, versus people who just need a refresher. Because this was another thing that’s just painfully boring, except it’s on Zoom so I keep checking my face to make sure it looks pleasant. When the reality is I’m dying inside.
Oh, and I overslept this week, and totally missed DBT class. So I went to the first class, then missed the second one. I think this is another example of me trying to get myself to do things by being mean to myself. Before bed on Tuesday night, I sternly told myself, “You better not sleep through that DBT class, Apostate Turtle.” And yeah, that’s what happened. I don’t know how to apply self-compassion, because usually when I do that, people think I’m giving myself a pass. So I already hated the first class, then skipped the second one. And I was already stressed because I was going to have to ask off for the next two weeks so I can work. So I feel like this class is going to be just another thing I failed at.
Neurobiofeedback and Volunteering
So, the remaining options are neurobiofeedback, which I’ve been trying to get forever, or volunteering. The neurobiofeedback might actually potentially be a thing that materializes, because I’ve been looking into funding opportunities. As far as meaningful work, I like substitute teaching most days. My favorite job I ever had was definitely working with infants and toddlers, but I can’t do that now because they don’t offer that per diem and I have a million limitations. There are volunteer options. But usually when I sign up for those, everything goes great for like a day, and then anxiety gets out of control to where I can’t physically prevent my body from showing it. Usually this is either crying uncontrollably, or violently throwing up uncontrollably. Given the option, I would take throwing up any day of the week. But I’m scared to sign up for things because fear of failure is just that intense now. When my body betrays me, I basically look like a mental case and that burns the bridge and I can’t go back. So, my thought is, I’ll go back to work and see how it is. As mentioned in my four-step plan, I’m hoping to get a car in the next year. Which, if I could do that, then it would make all kinds of things possible. For example, the volunteering, because usually really long commute times are a huge part of why I break down at these things. But it would also just unlock a ton of social opportunities and potentially change my life for the better. I really wish I could live somewhere that you don’t need a car. Even in the nearby large urban area. However, where I live, not having a car is extremely limiting, and even limits the people who you’re able to spend time with (who are also waiting at the bus stop rather than living their best lives). So, once I’m in the swing of working again and have a vehicle, I defintely want to try to volunteer. Right now, it’s about parsing out what feels hard but I can do it, versus what legitimately is not an attainable goal in the short term.
Long-Term Stressors
As well as things are going, I’m still dealing with a lot that just chronically goes on in the background. I can never feel like it’s safe to not be on the alert, or let my guard down and enjoy a moment. (This is what neurofeedback is supposed to really help with.) Worrying that I will never have kids is there constantly, all day every day. Other long-term issues for me include:
Grieving the youth I never had
Note: the person who wrote the original post shown below was not me. I blocked out the name for privacy but I don’t show up until the reply.
Chronic physical pain
At this point, at any given time, my chest hurts and it feels like I can’t breathe. It turns out that there is nothing they can do about this. But since it’s been going on for years, it’s kind of my normal. The problem is, if you’re dealing with pain 24/7, it does decrease productivity. There are so many fun things I would want to be doing if I didn’t constantly feel like I can’t breathe. Yes, I’m out of shape, but I’m in pain even when lounging around. So, I’ve been living with the hope that maybe someday I wouldn’t be in pain, but I’m pretty much having to give up on that. I can try to mitigate emotional pain, but I think my body is just going to be like this.
Grieving my Grandma
So, my paternal grandmother was really important to me. My mother went out of her way to keep her out of my life when I was a kid. When Grandma was the person who truly loved me. We reconnected like less than two years before she died, and I couldn’t believe that she’d existed all those years and I never took her seriously because my mother had always spread rumors about her (as she does with everyone). I don’t remember anyone in my life ever who was able to make me feel loved the way Grandma did.
Anyway, she died in 2017. It was messed up because she kind of told me she was dying and to come see her. But I was in denial and didn’t get it. So I always wish I’d gotten closure. What would she have told me in the last conversation if I had come to see her? Also, I get that my aunt was going through it, but the entire rest of the family basically banded together to prevent me from knowing about the funeral. Which my therapist at the time said was just because I had a personality disorder and was toxic and they had to protect themselves so they could grieve. But, Grandma was the person who definitely did not think I was toxic. So losing her meant I was totally, absolutely alone. And it’s been eight years but I still cry sometimes and I still dream about her. When things get really hard, the heartbreaking part is that Grandma isn’t here. When I was a little kid, I climbed the tree in her yard and said I was “Squirrel [Firstname].” Grandma remembered that years later. She loved me. And I think I would have been able to process her death if I had been able to be around her when I was a kid. Just that she was always there, bursting at the seams with love, and my mother made sure I never knew it.
In Other News… it’s not all bad
The section above was all very heavy, but in general, things are actually going really well! I’ve been staying out of the mental hospital at least. I credit excellent outpatient supports, good friends, the turtle, and the cat. I haven’t been able to take pictures of the turtle so much because he has a chicken-wire roof to prevent cat attacks, which makes it so my camera can’t focus, but he is doing great. I got him a heater, which is designed to mostly just heat a specific spot, but it wasn’t running when the weather was really hot. The ambient temperature in our apartment was already like 77. So turning on his heater would have added a small-but-significant amount of heat to the area. Now, the apartment is nice and cool, so it’s no problem if his heater also raises the temperature of the room a little bit. So the room is a normal temperature, and his tank is toasty warm. This has brightened his spirits a lot! Also, somebody said to give him a shrimp. Since I’ve had him, I’ve given him pellets, earthworms, mealworms, minnows, ash gourd, sweet potato, dark leafy greens, homemade “jello” for turtles, etc etc. For some reason, never in eleven and a half years had I given him a shrimp. I thought shrimps lived in saltwater and he was evolved for rivers.
Well, let me tell you, he loved the shrimp!! He chowed down on it all in one gulp, and it was the size of his head. I didn’t even know he could do that. Meanwhile, me and the cat are trying to slim down, but sometimes it can be hard
Meanwhile, I’m trying to focus more on my actual priorities. Such as (and of course there’s a list, I’m trying to quit okay??):
Monkey Mind 101 is a new channel that seems very promising.
I’ve been doing well enough that I’m actually reclaiming my love for reading, and especially paper books. Which, the second edition of The Depression Cure so far has been enjoyable. I mean I know it’s self-help and not like a fiction novel but I’m not good at actual fun activities. The information has been useful. It’s, like, super specific and actionable, which I like.
When all else fails, dark humor is alive and well
Conclusion
Well, I hate to have to leave on this note, but this is getting like really, unacceptably long. So I’m going to leave you with my references for this incredibly-academic piece of digital literature, followed by a Hollywood-style tease for what is to come in Part 2!!
Sources
arcadiabaysbae. (2025, August 9). Does the mourning for the “lost years” ever stop? [Online forum post]. Reddit. Retrieved August 29, 2025 from https://www.reddit.com/r/Exvangelical/comments/1mmfgai/does_the_mourning_for_the_lost_years_ever_stop/
Barnard, N. (2017). The cheese trap: How breaking a surprising addiction will help you lose weight, gain energy, and get healthy. Grand Central Life & Style.
Dan Nechodom. (2021, February 26). How fast can your body rehydrate? [YouTube video]. Retrieved August 29, 2025 from https://youtu.be/u59aSHaQCLA?si=KS5nASv632ig5Iy5
Flesh Simulator. (2024, February 11). The redditor who boofed yeast to stay drunk 24/7 [YouTube video]. Retrieved August 29, 2025 from https://youtu.be/jHE2Jjyl_vA?si=kvhlOCIyOlLUbTmc
Ffrench, R. M. (2016). Whole protein vegetarian: delicious plant-based recipes with essential amino acids for health and well-being. The Countryman Press, a division of W.W. Norton & Company.
Hollywood-Style Tease
