Hello everyone!
Long time no post, itās been crazy.
In the first half of July, happy things kept happening. On July 2, I saw the cardiologist, since the PCP had previously given me some bad news about my heart. Well, the cardiologist looked at everything and declared it all to be a false alarm; my heart is perfect! So, that was a tremendous relief.
Two days later, I looked up The Depression Cure, since Dr. Ilardi had promised an updated version of his book in August of this year. It was, in fact, available for pre-order, so I snapped it up! I think itās supposed to ship at the beginning of August.
The ureteral stent that had been ruining my life was successfully removed on July 10. It was so much less awful than I was afraid it would be. It hurt really bad for about five minutes after the procedure was done, but then I was cured. It felt amazing to be able to just walk around and do things.
On July 11, a situation unfolded that I canāt really write about on the internet, but basically, there was a third party who I did not know about who knew my maternal grandparents, and also knows my mother and all her siblings. The person was in a position to be able to reach out and see if I was okay. Which made me feel really good, because people who know my mother never seem to see through her. I can tell people sheās toxic, but when they meet her, she seems so charming! Therapists have suggested that maybe people have caught on more than I think, which, looking back at conversations with people in church when I was a kid, is extremely plausible. But the people in church werenāt able to do anything, which Iām pretty sure is because they were worried about my eternal destiny. Worst case, if I ended up in foster care, the foster parents might either not be Christians, or might be ānominal Christians,ā which could then rub off on me, and I would spend eternity in hell. Well, anyway, this particular person (who must be 100 years old) was able to actually reach out, as though perhaps she suspected that my motherās description of me wasnāt fully accurate. This was something that had never happened before. It felt good that an outsider who had never met me was able to look at the family situation and make the connection that maybe I was a good person, or at least worthy of a phone call.
And, finally, they started me on Spravato on the 15th. I had been really looking forward to this, because I thought it was supposed to really help people. Well, I guess it helps most people. I did not know that the treatment would make you as loopy as it did. I thought it might be a mild thing, like maybe comparable to taking an ativan. Which, I donāt even like taking ativan and go out of my way to avoid it. So, Spravato did not go well. I survived four treatments, and after the fourth one, I thought I was going to end up back in the emergency room. That was a Thursday, and the SI was awful from like the moment the drug was administered, through the two-hour monitoring period, and continued until Friday night. That was when this lady who knows me well told me basically that if I had to go to the ER, it would be okay and not shameful. So then I bounced back. I think that ācrisisā brings with it the intense fear of being in crisis. In the past, if Iāve ended up in the emergency room, it was a huge deal and I was expected to feel very, very guilty for it. I had this one “therapist” from 2015-2019 who would just ream me out mercilessly. So then it becomes a fear of being back in the ER, which means that I canāt go to the ER, and then there is no fallback plan if thereās an emergency. Plus, the thing I rarely speak of but am always thinking about, is Iām not getting any younger, and how am I going to have kids if Iām still mentally unstable after all these years of trying to get better?
So, the weekend was okay. Money sucks. Iāve had $1.23 in the bank since like Friday. I really did not have a lot of options, since life costs money. So thatās been a major added stress. Finally last night I poured out my heart and soul to this poor woman who isn’t even supposed to be responsible for that. Now, Bluehost is always letting me know that the images I post aren’t remotely readable at all on a mobile device. So I’m going to just quote myself here, since the images honestly aren’t really necessary.
Hiā¦! I know this was time-sensitive š I just want to confirm that this is the right form (attached)?
I’m functioning below baseline right now. They started me on Spravato which usually people enjoy. Well not me, I was in hell. Which sucks because 1) I was in hell, and 2) We’re running out of things to try. So, I’m a basket case at the moment. [ā¦]
Anyway, I’m trying to get up and dust myself off. [ā¦]
[ā¦] I’m forced back into communication with my siblings who I deeply love but who are toxic AF. [ā¦] When it’s like, I worked hard, I got my degrees, I can’t function due to a mental illness that was never my fault, I’m 35, and I just want to be able to buy a coffee without everyone and their brother having an opinion about it. My best friend is put off, which is understandable, so she was lecturing me about how I should be happy. Like, I’m not 100% sure what happy even FEELS like, but I’m pretty sure it’s not getting chewed out by your friend for being ungrateful. I also think I should be happy. Like aside from the fact that I’m going to be 36, I have NO kids, no family, basically nothing to show for my life whatsoever, I can’t hold onto an entry-level job, and most days the only thing preventing me from unaliving myself is my cat.
Anyway, sorry to dump that on you. The Spravato thing was a huge blow. I’ve got $1.23 to tide me over until SSI on the first, so they better come through or I am fucked. However, I’m being told that Donald Trump ended all social programs and plans on institutionalizing everyone under the poverty line in work houses. You think I’m going to Google that? Heck no, I can’t deal with reading the news at all. [ā¦]
Anyway, wish me luck. “Coping skills” often cost more than $1.23. But I baked a cake, spent time with my cat, and have been trying to watch wholesome content online. It’s just been a shitty day. And productivity drops when it gets really hard to imagine things will ever get better. Therapist and [ā¦] are aware.
So all that to say, is this the right form?? š And do I need to call the 1-800 number?
So, today rolled around, and Iām mostly stuck in a freeze response, which is obnoxious. Iām terrified of everything. You send me a text message? Oh no, Iām going to destroy this friendship if I donāt respond. Itās ridiculous. A lot of this is because there are a ton of things that desperately need to be done, or there will be major consequences. So what I need is a break, but I canāt take one, and Iām terrified of what will happen if I donāt do everything I need to do.
Regrouping
Currently, the goal is to get me mentally stable enough that I can qualify for EMDR. Hopefully, once I can get that, progress will be faster. Then I can write my book and get back to my other life plans.
Spravato failed. I donāt know why, and I donāt know if it will be effective at some point in the future. But it didnāt work this time. I did ask people on my care team if if they had any insight into how normal that was, and what potentially was the reason it didnāt work for me. My point was that I am able to google things, ābut that usually goes to either Reddit, or people who are selling Spravato. Research studies are hard to find, and sometimes behind a paywall. Plus, medicine is not my field.ā
So itās back to the drawing board. In good news, I just found out that I finally made it to the top of the waiting list for DBT Skills Group. I was really nervous that I would fail at the group, but the leader talked to me and I feel optimistic.
As for other ideas, TMS is supposed to be a thing, so I asked if they had access to research on whether that works. Alternatively, I still have a pipe dream of getting neurobiofeedback, which I first blogged about back in 2022. I donāt know if that works. But, this is the video that I talked about in the 2022 entry:
Big Think. (2021, October 21). How to rewire your brain after trauma | Bessel van der Kolk | Explain It Like Iām Smart [YouTube video]. Retrieved December 5, 2022 from https://youtu.be/tDTpQh8l7IE
So, Ketamine is a no-go for now, Iām hooked up with DBT starting next month, Iām going to try to push for TMS, and possibly someday Iāll be able to get cutting-edge brain stuff. Bessel Van Der Kolk literally wrote the book on trauma, so I feel like he knows what heās talking about.
Anyway, that’s where we’re at. It’s been probably more ups and downs than usual. I don’t know if I specifically blogged about this, but the full-time job that I had from December to May did not pan out, and I am still very much grieving the failure. Like, it was a toxic environment, but maybe all jobs are toxic environments? And it’s like, I’m afraid that I’ll never been able to maintain employment, and my life will go nowhere. However, we are not yet in a place of being able to worry about that. The next step in my life plan is to go back to substitute teaching for at least six months, restabilize, and go from there.
I worry every moment of every day, including in my dreams, that I will never have kids. It’s just always, constantly with me, driving everything I do. If I’m happy, it’s because I have hope that it will happen. If I’m breaking down, it’s because I’m losing that hope. And it’s hard to talk about. I don’t know if talking about it out loud would bring some sort of peace. I’m usually afraid to bring it up because I’m scared that the other person will want to suggest “attainable goals” instead. But, it never leaves my mind. And it hurts more than I can describe.
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