Well, I’m on Proctor 2. This time of year always hits me really hard. I think it started as a simple anniversary reaction, but now it’s an anniversary reaction to other anniversary reactions. Every year, my plan for the spring is to just be fine this year. Unfortunately, that seldom works.
I’ve also got a lot going on with my siblings. Basically, it’s unrequited love and there’s nothing additional I can do to get them to see me for who I am. Years ago, I went through this with my parents. No matter how awful they were, I would eventually come crawling back to them. But every time, it took a little longer and I was a little more apprehensive, until I stopped. Now, it’s a similar scenario with my siblings. I’ve made a thousand excuses for them, but at the end of the day, they’re cruel to me and it psychologically destroys me to continue reaching out to them. People want to help by reassuring me that they’re not really that bad, but that just makes it so much worse. I’m trying to get out of abusive relationships, and telling me it’s not that bad is like encouraging a battered wife to go back to her husband. I know people mean well, but what I need is encouragement to stay strong. Anyway, that’s a tangent. Basically, losing my siblings is really hard.
Lastly, work isn’t going well. I’m still doing the substitute teaching. I want the best for the kids. But, it’s also hard because I wish so much that I’d been to school as a kid. I remember isolated times when I went like to craft night at the library or whatever and had so much fun. That could have been every day, followed by an adulthood with much less severe PTSD. So, I try to be present at work, but I’m “staring off into space” while seeing everything through a film of my dad’s snarling face, and my body feels him pinning me down and hurting me. In addition to visual/somatic issues, there’s a “voice.” I don’t know if the right word is intrusive thoughts/memories, flashbacks, or hallucinations. But it’s my internalization of my parents, and it screams at me that I’m the worst human who ever lived, urges me to kill myself, and even suggests why/how. So, I can only deal with that for so long before I’m ready to give in just to make the voices stop. I’ve been subbing for like three years, so I don’t know why it’s so much worse lately. But by the time I get home from work, my mental health is in the toilet, the future feels completely and utterly hopeless, and it takes days for me to get back to baseline.
So, with everything going on, I asked Dr 🦊 in the ketamine lab if I could take the “shortcut” because otherwise I’d have to go to the ER. Now I’m on Proctor 2 and freaking out. For years, it was drilled into me by mental health providers that going inpatient was totally unacceptable. I’ll never forget one therapist telling me, “You have to get out of there [the hospital] and go to work!” Everything was about working. Which is exactly how my Republican family felt, as well, so now my ability to work is directly tied to my self- worth. Increased risk of suicide seems like a small price to pay for working. And no matter how much I’m reassured, it feels like the people around me are angry that I’m here and think I should have toughed it out and I need to leave asap. So being here is terrifying.
But, I’m here, and trying to resist the urge to immediately discharge. I don’t know the right word for the “hallucinations,” but they seem to be absolutely unaffected by any coping skills except antipsychotics. Maybe a med change and a job change are all I need? Which, Paint Night is on 3/22 so hopefully I’m out by the end of the week!
BONUS CONTENT: There are tulips on the unit because there are tulips everywhere because it’s spring. They are so darned pretty. I want to like them, but I view them with suspicion. How do I know they’re not CULT tulips???
