Well, I thought I should post an update! Usually I do a newsletter at the end of each month, but that didn’t happen in January so my apologies to my loyal readers. I’ve been up and down. Having a car again is awesome and has dramatically changed my life for the better. Having a couch has also been amazing, and I’ve been trying to make my little nest as cozy as possible. The turtle and cat are both doing well. I usually blog when everything is in crisis, and it’s been nice to have a period of calm.
Now, the trick is to get my psyche to recognize that things are okay! I have the hardest time with trying to let my guard down and rest. So, I’m trying to make use of the tools that are available to me. Currently, my main appointments are individual therapy, ketamine, and neurofeedback. When I had ketamine last week, the doctor came in and I was like, “Well, I guess we could talk about, like, my problems, but ALTERNATIVELY I could just show you ten million videos of my cat.” She said that her job was to talk about my problems, and I was a bit disappointed but said something like, “Yeah, I figured you’d say that.” So I was talking about being dead tired constantly and all the time, while simultaneously (or perhaps due to) constantly feeling hypervigilent and on edge. Fortunately, the doctor was attentive and ketamine helped. I think the main problem with those appointments is that I can’t take my ADHD meds the morning before, so then I’m tired after. SO, my plan now is to just bring the meds and take them after. I’ll have to clear this with the doctor but I think it will be all right, especially since other people take meds in the “lounge” so I don’t see why I couldn’t.
What I’m most surprised by is how much neurofeedback has helped already. I definitely notice a big difference after each appointment. I thought you had to go for a few months before anything would change, but that seems not to be the case! I was stressed AF before my appointment yesterday and felt much better after. I told them that my goal for treatment is to be able to go to the beach this summer and not feel like I had to look every direction for potential threats and constantly feel like I must be missing an obligation somewhere and somebody is going to jump out and be mad. I just want to relax. So, I guess the woman calibrated the brain machine accordingly and I definitely felt more relaxed afterwards. Which, I’m not trying to be overly optimistic, but may be one of the most helpful things I’ve done so far.
What’s working, What’s not, What would probably work better if I actually *did* it
There are plenty of miscellaneous things I could mention. EMDR is tabled because I don’t have enough days in the week to add another appointment and still pick up shifts at my substitute teaching gig. However I’ve heard about IFS and have been meaning to ask my therapist about it. I also sometimes go to the Unitarian Universalist church, but lately they’ve been so intensely political that it doesn’t feel spiritually fulfulling. I think I need to focus much more energy than I have into strategies from The Depression Cure. Which, for those who don’t remember, is Friends, Omega-3, (don’t) Ruminate, Exercise, Sunlight, and Sleep. Friends is going pretty well; I’ve got my inner ring that I’ve had for years and I’m slowly adding to it. Having a car has been great for that. I signed up for a volunteer organization but I’m waiting for a placement still. I also have been trying to not overschedule myself so it’s a balancing act. Omega-3 is no problem. Not ruminating is an ongoing project and I’m really trying. Exercise would be a great thing to try to start incorporating into my life, along with making time to use my sun lamp in the morning instead of sleeping another half hour. As far as sleep goes, though, I usually get plenty and am exhausted anyway so I guess that’s one checkmark? Aside from The Depression Cure, a huge thing that would be good would be to be spending more time reading my Grandma’s books that she wrote for me before she died. I have so much more peace when I make time to read her writings. And, of course, my constant endeavor to actually be consistently drinking water.
ADHD is a huge bummer. One thing that’s been good is I found a website called Focused Space which offers Zoom body-doubling for $25/month. Most of the other people go on there to make fancy presentations for work or whatever and I just need to clean my house, but they’ve been a great resource. I’m really hoping that the neurofeedback with help with ADHD symptoms as well.
Conclusion
So, all that to say, things are uneventful and mostly on a positive trajectory. Once my brain figures that out on an emotional level, I should be good to go! It still feels like it would take so little to snuff it all out. But before I wrote this, I was sitting on my couch eating vegan ice cream with my cat and listening to music. And for a few moments, it actually felt peaceful. So maybe I’m on my way to being able to relax!