Life Plan, version ???

Well. I’m here awaiting a procedure. They’re planning on doing lithotripsy and placing another stent for my right kidney. I am incredibly frustrated because I thought the stone would just pass by itself, but here we are.

So, I thought I would type out my plan for my life, because why not? I definitely feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels for years with nothing to show for it, despite always writing up these plans. But idk, maybe I’ve made some progress?

Stage One

That is now. So, I’m back on social security. It was supposed to be, I would spend the summer working on myself, and then go back to substitute teaching. Unfortunately, things got slowed down because I have to have this stupid kidney procedure. I’m not eligible for EMDR, so someone suggested intranasal Spravato. I did the intake, had a start date, now everything is being put off. I hope the Spravato is even the right thing? Like maybe TMS could have been better? But basically, I’m clearly plateued and something needs to change. So, it’s the kidney stone issue, something to jumpstart mental health improvement, and the PCP is suggesting medications/referrals so hopefully I don’t drop dead too soon.

Meanwhile, if I can be consistent attending the DMH “Clubhouse,” supposedly they can be a reference. I’m really unclear how helpful that will be given the nature of the community, but fingers crossed. They really are very dedicated to helping people get back to work. Unfortunately, 90% of what they do to that aim seems to be printing off job listings from Indeed. Like, I also have Indeed. Problem is, there are a lot of barriers to my holding a job right now. Just infinitely going on Indeed every time my job doesn’t pan out feels like it ignores the underlying issues. But it’s a place to go and the people are nice, and I definitely do need that reference

Stage Two

This was supposed to be when the school year starts back up, although it could potentially be delayed. I’m still on the list of substitute teachers in my district. This job seems to go okay because it’s per diem, so it’s less pressure, since I crumble under pressure. Anyway, I haven’t subbed since Christmas so if I go back for 6 months or so, I should be able to get another reference.

In the meantime, the #1 barrier to working, for me, is not having a car. I used to put 20,000 miles a year on my car. Now, my world has shrunk so much it’s nearly unrecognizable. Having a vehicle would expand the pool of jobs available to me by a lot. So it has to happen. I get nervous because driving is scary, but it’s important as well.

Stage Three

With a vehicle in hand, I can apply to jobs. I’m definitely going to have to look into what jobs offer what insurance, since last time I didn’t do that. I got the job and accepted it before finding out what the health insurance was. So the health insurance was 🤬 So anyway, me and my car will find a meaningful job with health insurance.

Stage Four

You already know stage four, that’s when I start trying to have a baby! It’s been crazy hard emotionally having to put this off. Like, when I’m breaking down, it’s not like I forgot the ultimate goal. The fact that being hospitalized just puts that off more and more is a major consideration. Thing is, I only go to the hospital when there are absolutely no alternatives. I didn’t choose to have to go, nor did I choose the “crisis” that necessitated that. Anyway, don’t mind the rant. I’m just annoyed because lithotripsy is just one more delay 😭