For years, I’ve been saying that I don’t want to have to deal with traditional therapy; I just want to opt instead for AI and self-help books. However, it’s manadory to work with a human, due to “human connection.” Which would be great, except that Western psychotherapy fundamentally opposes one critical truth: Relationships are not interchangeable!! Any time I’m abandoned, the line is, “You’ll get to like the new person.” Well, that’s fine, but this is not an additive situation. I’m fine opening up to new people, but I’m not fine with being expected to not care when people are swapped out for different people. For example, imagine your dog dies but your parents get you a new dog and tell you you’ll learn to like them. This doesn’t work. This has never worked. If the one and only thing that you can do but AI cannot do is form “human connection,” then it would be great if people weren’t triggered by the suggestion that it matters who the individual human is. Having one person leave and another take their place is not natural primate behavior. We don’t just need another human; we need the same human. Then it’s implied that there’s something pathological with me when my therapist leaves because I wasn’t supposed to be emotionally attached. Like, yeah, that’s why I wanted AI for a therapist. The entire reason they say I need a human therapist is for “human connection,” then I’m fatally defective when I form human connection.
As far as humanity goes, I don’t understand how somebody (specifically, my ex-therapist) could hurt me so badly and just genuinely not be sorry at all. I get it, she’s got liability. But just the overwhelming arrogance that she’s going to claim that this is in my best interests is absurd. I mean, I’m in the hospital for the first time in ages. SI is back with a vengeance after having been in remission for several months. Some people are glad I didn’t kill myself; I’m not sure I’m among them. And just the fact that ex-therapist knows I’m smart and knows I have insight, and I directly told her that this was harmful to me and she doesn’t care. If she knows she’s hurting me, why can’t she at least acknowledge that she’s acting in her own best interests, rather than mine? As it is, I’m being wounded and she’s trying to gaslight me on top of that. I’ve been through this enough times to be able to attest, abrupt and unpredictable abandonment from therapists has never been the best thing for me in the long term.
Anyway, I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee yesterday but had to ask for a rain check due to being inpatient. I’m pretty sure that it’s okay to open up when I’m in the hospital? I don’t do that when I’m on the outside, because I don’t want people to worry. Honestly, I don’t know the right way to manage relationships with chronic C-PTSD. Because theoretically, people could be sad that I didn’t reach out during the long nights of trying to decide whether to kill myself. Then I worry that I’m toxic. I got traumatized in the first place by being isolated. Isolation isn’t sustainable. So if I can’t figure out a way to exist in the world without feeling like I’m harming people by being around them, I feel like I need to remove myself from the world.
So, I canceled coffee and provided this quick update 🙄
That was Friday night. It’s currently Sunday. This was from yesterday. I was posting on Reddit, but removed the name of the sub for privacy reasons. I didn’t really get a lot of replies, but Reddit has been slow lately. Maybe other people (not me) have started actually interacting in the real world like we were always meant to.
