Moving Forward

Well, I’m still inpatient. They haven’t mentioned a discharge date, but I’m thinking Friday because the cat sitter can’t work over the holiday weekend. However, it turns out that it was, in fact, a good thing that I came in. I’m usually fine all day until about sunset, at which point I start to struggle. This gets worse and worse until I try to go to bed, and that’s when things really hit the fan and “safety” becomes a problem. This has been improving the past couple of days, which is a very good thing.

Replacing Ketamine

I’m still looking for a good replacement for Ketamine, which was serving a dual role between the ketamine itself, and feeling safe and supported by the clinic. As for the drug itself, it massively sucks that it doesn’t work anymore. It had been so helpful, if for no other reason because it gave me a break for an hour or so from constant hypervigilence. I’ve always wanted to be able to just go to the beach and feel relaxed. But even when I’m in “relaxing” situations, I’m constantly looking around for somebody to come attack me for not doing something that they wanted me to be doing. This is probably because I was homeschooled, and there were no breaks. My parents didn’t super care what I was doing, but if I wasn’t “working” on something 24/7, they’d randomly walk up to me and freak out, potentially with physical abuse involved. So I never learned to just put my guard down and feel relaxed in the moment. Apparently I am capable of this, but so far only under the influence of really heavy drugs. So it’s hard to find a good replacement and I’m grieving the one place that felt “safe.”

Another thing, as I’ve mentioned, was that the people at the clinic felt supportive. One time I was worried that they’d think I was crazy, and a person there was like, “I mean, but we’re a psychiatric facility, so ‘crazy’ is kind of like our whole thing, you know?” She said it jokingly but it made me feel safe. I wasn’t going to be deemed unworthy.

So, I was hoping the Hill Center would temporarily provide a different safe space. Unfortunately, I’m banned for life because they do think that I’m crazy. Which stings, because if I’m too damaged for the psychiatric program, where am I supposed to go? And it’s triggering because my family couldn’t love me because I could never be good enough for them. So when places turn me down, it is deeply reminiscent of my never being good enough to be loved by my family. Which, for context, my family views mental health like this:

GunnyRLeeErmey. (2011, August 8). R Lee Ermey GEICO Commercial Therapist Sarge [YouTube video]. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/9EbKssmdKN0

Anyway, the social worker finally talked me off the ledge on Friday afternoon. She asked rhetorically whether the HC would even be healthy “safe space” material if my being too damaged for them made them turn me away. She also had a really good idea that maybe I could do an outpatient group at McLean. That way, I’d be at a hospital that I trust, plus it would be a much better long-term solution. So I felt hopeful that there could be another outpatient program that is accepting of me. McLean is complicated. Some programs here like me, and others think I’m unworthy. Which, obviously, is a type of rejection that I’m all too familiar with.

Another thing is that in most places other than the ketamine clinic, I can’t be 100% transparent because if there were an emergency, I’d end up in the emergency room, then on a bed search, which would put me in grave danger. So if there were an outpatient group at McLean, maybe I could feel safe there that in an emergency, they’d just send me to one of their inpatient units rather than to the ER. Then I’d at least feel like I could be fully honest for an hour a week or whatever. I don’t want to rehash the reasons I don’t want to end up on a bed search, but basically, there are facilities (specifically “HBM” in Worcester) that are most certainly a fate worse than death. I still have nightmares over two years later. So I don’t interact with most providers the same way anymore as I did before I was detained there, because I realize what can happen if a bed search goes south. So I’d like to imagine that an outpatient group at McLean would feel safer than an outpatient group elsewhere. I know that you can’t talk about “safety concerns” with peers around, but maybe I’d develop some sort of rapport with the group leader? Because being able to be honest without fear of being discharged from the program and/or put on a “bed search” is another big reason that the ketamine clinic felt safe. It was a place where I wasn’t unworthy, and people weren’t going to hurt me. If an outpatient group at McLean could replicate that, maybe it would help me to process the loss of the ketamine clinic.

Brainstorming

So, I know I just did some brainstorming (and also did so here) but I’m thinking about things that could help after discharge:

Outpatient Supports

One huge thing that I think will help is an outpatient group at McLean. However, I also found an EMDR therapist who looks promising. If I can get those things lined up before discharge, I’ll feel like my time here was productive.

Nutrition

As I’ve said, drinking water still needs to be a focus, as well as getting enough protein. I actually bought soy protein isolate powder a few days before coming inpatient, so I have some at home. I just need to make it a point to really get enough of it in my diet instead of having the powder sitting around while I eat pasta.

Health

I think it was my True Love who suggested this, but I want to start using a daily pain log. They exist on the internet and are available for download, so I could make it part of my routine to quickly log my pain for the day before bed. If nothing else, this should help me remember that there are days when physical pain is manageable.

Activities

Activities that will help are:

• Reading Grandma’s books
• Playing Paralives (R.I.P. The Sims)
• Attending my monthly Wicca class

When I was a Christian, I had about the same relationship to reading the Bible as I currently do to reading Grandma’s books. I recognize how much it improves my life when I do it, but somehow I always find myself watching useless YouTube videos instead. But, I’m hoping that things will go better this time because this list of focus areas is technically shorter than most of my lists.

I also have been going to a Wicca-focused spiritual group once a month, and their next meeting is actually on Saturday. Another reason to want to go home by Friday!

Honorable Mentions

I wanted to weed down my list of things to do, so I left out a few things that I will try to implement down the road, but not immediately:

• Reading self-help books. (I was going to try to start learning IFS from a book I found on Reddit, but I suspect that if I bought the book, it would sit on the shelf with all my other self-help books)
• Going to a “rage room” and screaming in terror
• Spending more time cooking
• Spending more time cleaning
• Trying again to implement suggestions from the book, The Depression Cure (which I wrote about here and here)

Conclusion

So, I think I have some good ideas to help me stay stable after discharge. I’m nervous about it, naturally, but I feel like I needed a reset and I’ve been getting it.