More Musings

Well, I’m back on Proctor 2. I feel a lot better since being here, to the point where I feel guilty for having come in because it feels “not bad enough.” However, it is still a problem that the muscles in my upper arms are constantly clenching up as though there’s an immediate threat, which I interpret somatic flashbacks. And intrusive command thoughts are severe. (I wish I knew what was causing those… so far, they’re ego-dystonic but still very distressing. AI said they were probably OCD, but this has never been confirmed by a human.)

Triggers

Being in a place where it feels safe to break down has been helpful. Usually, I’m either alone or at work, so even the ER felt like a relief. I also think that having been not eating food was probably more of a problem than I’d thought. I wasn’t hungry, so I was eating on average way less than the 1200 recommended calories. And I didn’t know protein actually mattered, so what I was eating was basically all sugar. So I was eating nothing but sugar and still losing weight quickly, which felt like a great thing! But apparently not. I’d been wondering why my hair was falling out and I was always exhausted and in pain! Turns out, those are symptoms of protein deficiency. I guess you learn something new every day.

Aside from not eating properly, I was struggling with the decrease in efficacy of the ketamine. I’m holding out hope that it will start working again if decrease frequency of sessions. However, Ketamine had inadvertently become my “safe space.” After all, I’d started out wildly suicidal when I first walked into the clinic, and the doctors there saved my life. When the drug was working, it got me stable enough that other things in my life started to improve. One ketamine doctor helped with this by sometimes giving very good life advice on the side. For example, she encouraged me to open up to friends when I was having a hard time, which felt like a terrible idea but then actually worked. She also said to maybe explore career options outside of substitute teaching. So, my job situation improved, my social supports improved, and I even met my True Love on OkCupid! Life outside of Ketamine was getting better, so a more logical person would have become less dependent on them. But, all in all, the ketamine clinic was a supportive place where staff believed in me and helped me. They had specifically said that they didn’t wast to kill myself, so that made me feel safe. “Dr X” who worked with me for 14 months at a different hospital (and also saved my life), had even apparently worked previously in the ketamine clinic, so being there felt like a connection to him. And at some point, ketamine became dual-acting; the drug was helpful, but it also let me go somewhere where I felt valued. When appointments got spaced out more, I realized how much these secondary factors had mattered to me. And that made me feel like a terrible person. Had I been exploiting the clinic? Was I overly attached to the people there? And the place that had made me feel valuable suddenly mode me feel like a clingy piece of shit.

Anyway, there were also other problems. My birthday is in a couple of months and I’m going to be 37 and I still don’t have any kids, which is insanely emotionally painful and tortures we every second of every day. But I think the final “trigger” that pushed me over the edge was feeling like I’d become too dependent on the people in the ketamine clinic and that was wrong of me. This is by no means the first time this has happened. It was way worse when I was working with “Dr X,” and I repeatedly warned him that he was going to end up like Dr Leo Marvin at the end of “What About Bob?”. A nurse at the time was like, “Well did you stalk his lakehouse?” and I had honestly forgotten about that part of the movie- I thought I destroyed clinicians’ lives just by existing. So, fortunately, the situation with Ketamine isn’t as bad as bad previous situations have been. But it’s this pesky core belief that I’m toxic and everyone eventually knows it, that’s rearing its ugly head again.

Ideas

Anyway, as I so often do, I’m trying to stockpile ideas of things that might help. I think the main thing that would help here is if the Hill Center could work out. However, I’m trying to have flexible thinking, so I’m telling myself that other outpatient things might also work: ie, IFS or EMDR. Hopefully I can get some of these things set up before I leave.

At home, drinking water has been getting shafted, almost as much as eating protein. I did buy some soy protein isolate powder and had started using it just before I came into the hospital. In the meantime, I’m taking a break from my usual vegan diet while I’m here, because I think my protein was really low.

When I go home, another thing I should be doing more is Playing Paralives. As many know, the EA buyout tragically went through, but I downloaded Paralives and I think it’s basically The Sims 5. Which, Sims 4 had been a huge coping skill for me, so I’m glad to have Paralives as an option.

My True Love suggested that I get a daily pain log, which I think is an extremely good idea, if for no other reason because then I’ll be able to confirm that there are days when I’m not in pain. (I’m thinking that to start, I’ll get a silhouette of a human and circle what hurts and how much it hurts, then at the bottom write how much water and protein I consumed that day.

And of course, reading Grandma’s books always helps me!

Then, if all else fails, I can always try going to a “rage room” and screaming in terror or hide under my weighted blanket and rock.

Conclusion

Anyway, I feel like I have a better grasp now of the issues that got me here, and some leads that might help me get back to baseline on the outside. Shoutout to my True Love, who has been so supportive that I think they still haven’t figured out that I suck 😜 But seriously, having that support is a huge part of what’s made this “crisis” so much milder than previous ones!