On Friday I was offered a full-time job and accepted it. I’m nervous but excited. I know that this wouldn’t have been possible without all the work I’ve done over the past several years when critics thought I was just being lazy. Getting to the new job without a car will be tricky and will involve walking 1.5 miles to the bus station, taking the bus to the next town, and then walking another 1.5 miles to work, so I’m going for daily walks to get in shape so it won’t be so grueling when I start work in January. I discovered www.plotaroute.com and generated a 1.5-mile loop around my neighborhood. The plan is to walk the loop at least five times a week in November, and then in December graduate to walking the loop twice and doing that at least five times a week. I’m constantly bombarded by memories of all the nasty things that have been said to me by people like my parents and my brother, who thought that I never had a disability and should have just gotten a job and been “normal.” Having a job now does not mean that I could have had one in the past, and it doesn’t mean that nasty things that were said to me are what motivated me to pursue my dreams. But now I know who stuck by me in hard times and who was afraid of “enabling” me when I was doing absolutely nothing wrong. I hope that someday I can get their voices out of my head. I know what they said wasn’t true, but it still feels like their opinion matters. Cognitive dissonance sucks that way. Years of therapy and rational argumentation later, I still feel like I deserve to spend eternity in Hell because I am “totally depraved.”
But I wanted this to be a happy post. I’m getting in shape now that the weather has finally started to cool down and I’m excited about my new job!