After months of me pining after a Kindle, my usually-party-pooping doctor finally let me buy one. Now I can read books all day, and not just during Phone Time. I had a few paper books previously, but I wasn’t allowed to accrue too many.
So, my mood is up and everybody wants to know what it is that I’m reading all day long. I tell them that I’m reading Man’s Search for Meaning which is kind of true since I read it for a few hours yesterday. I also say that I read independently-published autobiographies that I find on the outskirts of Amazon, written by people who had hard lives and overcame. This is also basically true, but it’s not technically all that I read, besides it’s a non-specific response and I have to field follow-up questions.
So you, dear reader, get to know my blog-exclusive secrets. I don’t want to email this to my social worker because then I’ll know for a fact that she read the email (she’s like that) and I’ll be ashamed.
Because I read books about babies. I read books about babies and dream of having some one day. And I don’t want to talk about it because I couldn’t even care for a puppy right now. Hell, I’m in the hospital because I can’t care for myself right now. I don’t want people to secretly pity the poor thirty-something woman who thinks that after a few years of a group home, then living independently and working, she might be able to get pregnant and raise well-adjusted children. So I don’t want to talk about it or even allude to it, but if you’ve found this, then you know my secret now.
And my secret is RIDICULOUS!
A while back, during the phone-app-Kindle era when I was in quarantine for faux-vid due to “hospital bureaucracy,” I finished this book which I had started literally years ago:
Roberts, G. (2019). Going Solo: My choice to become a single mother using a donor. Piatkus Books. (ISBN 978-0-349-42150-6)
Then, all day the day before yesterday I was reading this book, cover-to-cover.
McLean, A. M. (2017). Twins to One: Coping Strategies for a Single Parent with Twins Or Any Parent Who Feels Overwhelmed. Independently Published. (ISBN 978-1973466116)
Because my ridiculous hair-brained plan that gets me up in the morning is to find an IVF clinic that will not only take me, but allow me to use a sperm donor and also try for twins.
Here’s why: It’s not that I think that twins would be more fun. But I would be a single parent with minimal family of my own. I don’t want to be the only person my child has in the world. It wouldn’t be healthy even if I were going to live forever. Nobody should have to be that dependent on their MOM.
I fully understand that nothing is a guarantee and I could find myself with one baby and need to make another one. It might even be better that way. But think of the risks-
- The original sperm donor could no longer be available, leaving two half-siblings who would always feel a pang when they think of the paternal DNA that they may never know much about
- I could end up being too old to have a second child, leaving the first one all alone
- I could be able to have a second child only through egg donation, leaving biological half-siblings or even two kids with no biological relationship
- I could be too tired, out of funds, or for whatever reason unable to pursue a second child, again leaving the first one all alone.
All of this would work against the kids. So although being on my own with twin babies sounds terrifying at first, I think it’s the responsible thing if I’m going to try to be a mother at all. As much as I would emotionally want them to need me, the right thing is for them to view the sibling relationship as the most sacred, and mother-offspring as secondary.
So, that’s what I’m reading. I’m trying to get myself on a schedule because not only is it immediately beneficial to me, but it’s something that I’d like to pass along. I’ve been walking a mile five times a week for the same reason. I watch a full episode of “Supernanny” every day to keep it real what will happen if I screw this up, and also to prepare to not screw it up. I got a book on pregnancy over 40 to keep me from being in too much of a rush. I got a book on how incredibly expensive babies are. I have a book on Assisted Reproductive Technology that I bought a white back and have been occasionally looking at. And that’s mostly it for baby books, but I also read self- help books, Spanish books, fun books, and the paper books that I have from pre-Kindle.
So to people asking what I’m reading, I will have directed you to my blog, and since you apparently actually made it, here you go! Most are Kindle books, but a few are paper.
Baby Books that I’m Reading
Gordon-Wayne, B. (2018). Joy of later motherhood: Your natural path to healthy babies even in your 40’s. Morgan James Publishing. (ISBN 978-1683506812)
I just started reading this one the other day and I haven’t made too much progress yet. I’m skeptical of homeopathic medicine but it says it’s written by women who understand and empathize with my pain and I appreciate that.
Stasiak, E. M. (2008). Your new baby: Insider secrets to save thousands on all your baby’s needs. Atlantic Publishing. (ISBN 978-1-60138-138-5)
I’m almost done with this one. I always figured that babies were expensive (especially two!) but this has helped me feel like I understand exactly what the costs are. Annoyingly, I got the book on Kobo before I sold my soul to Jeff Bezos like most Americans have, so I can still only read it on my phone.
Bergman, K. (2019). Your future family: The essential guide to assisted reproduction. Conari Press. (ISBN 978-1-57324-746-7)
I’m using this one mostly for reference. Again, it just helps me to feel connected to other people for whom life did not go as planned.
Supernanny
Okay, Supernanny is not a book and I can’t get it on my kindle, but I’ve been able to find full episodes through YouTube channels like Lifetime or Supernanny’s own official channel. I tried to get the original UK version from Channel 4 but it proved impossible, even from a UK server. But the USA version has more episodes, anyway. I like it because although books can describe situations, Supernanny actually depicts real meltdowns and chaos like I used to have to deal with when I worked with kids. For that reason, it feels a lot more realistic than a book. And Jo Frost is just an amazing woman.
My Current Light Reading
Balish, C. (2006). How to live well without owning A car. Ten Speed Press. (ISBN 9781580087575)
Omgosh, I read this entire book and there are so many reasons why life is better without a car! For example
- I was in a serious at-fault accident in 2011, and since then driving had terrified me and been a major, constant stressor. Living “car-free” will take that burden off of me and be one of the quickest ways to make me enjoy life more.
- It’s way better for the environment to have fewer cars on the road. If I can’t be vegan right now, I can at least do this.
- No blood for oil!
- You can save a TON of money by not having a car! Not only are you saving on monthly expenses like gas and insurance, but also the more unpredictable expenses that add up (excise tax, oil changes, etc). And you don’t have to live with the constant worry that your car will break down and you’ll have to pull a small fortune out of nowhere.
- It encourages physical exercise, since walking and biking will sometimes be more attractive options than public transportation
- I’ve always been limited by my car because I could only live in places that had parking, and I could only go to places with a parking lot. Without a car, I will be free to live in a more urban area
- Living “car-free” encourages planning ahead, delayed gratification, and generally a more mindful approach to life.
These are just a few advantages! The book is a bit old, but I would highly recommend it because after I read it I was really excited to get rid of my car, which I never thought would be possible.
Solomon, A. (2021). Notes from the bathroom line: Humor, art, and low-grade panic from 150 of the funniest women in comedy. Harper Design. (ISBN 978-0062973641)
One thing I like about this book is that apparently all female comedians have therapists, and as someone who receives lots of therapy, I find the content relatable. I often find myself wishing I could share some of the content with my social worker.
Shultz, J. (2020). My Other Country: Nineteen Years in Bolivia. Independently Published. (ISBN 979-8619024791)
A couple moves to Bolivia and lives a life of adventure. I’m surprised this book hasn’t made the bestseller list yet because it is extremely well-written and a perfect example of travelling the world through a book (since I can’t move to Bolivia myself in the short-term).
Cleary, B. (2009). The complete Ramona collection: Beezus and Ramona, Ramona and her father, Ramona and her mother, Ramona Quimby, age 8, Ramona forever, Ramona the brave, Ramona the pest, Ramona’s world. HarperCollins. (ISBN 978-0061960901)
Nostalgia. I read all these books over and over in the ’90s and I still enjoy them today.
Libros en Español
Lewis, C. S. (2005). El Sobrino del Mago. ZonderKidz. (ISBN 978-0-06-088427-7)
I’ve been trying to read at least a little bit of Spanish every day, and I think it’s been good for me. It makes me feel like I’m “building mastery” at something besides improving my mental health. I have the paper copy of this particular book because my little sister sent it to me for Christmas, which makes it extra special.
Miquel, L., & Sans, N. J. (2002). ¿Eres tú, Maria? Pearson. (ISBN 978-0130993793)
This is also Spanish but it’s geared for language-learners and a bit easier to read. It’s from the Lola Lago detective series, which I hope to acquire more books from if I can find a cheaper way to do so. (They’re only about 50 pages each and Amazon charges $4.71 per book!) If I can’t do that, I’ll have to use “flexible thinking” and get a different book. But right now I’m not making any more purchases of Spanish books until I complete the books I already have.
Self-Help (Currently Reading)
Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s Search for Meaning (4th ed.). Beacon Press. (ISBN 978-0807014271)
I made a good dent in this yesterday, but I’m still in the depressing part.
Haidt, J. (2006). The happiness hypothesis: Finding modern truth in ancient wisdom. Basic Books. (ISBN 9780465028023)
Still working on this one! I’m mostly done, but I keep putting it down and forgetting about it.
Davis, K. (2020). How to Keep House While Drowning: 31 Days of compassionate help. Independently Published. (ISBN 9798564362962)
This tiny book is so good. It has actually been a big help as I think of it when I’m making decisions about “care tasks.”
Hanna, H. R. (2019). Time management in 20 minutes a day: Simple strategies to increase productivity, enhance creativity, and make your time your own. Althea Press. (ISBN 978-1641520355)
This one, meh. I’m only one chapter in but it seems more geared for productivity exclusively at work, and not so much in the rest of life.
Self-Help (Started/ Sorta Reading)
Green Folder
When I first got here, Dr. X gave me a 35-page document on feelings, which I put in a green folder. So far I’ve made it through like one feeling. I’m not totally sure what’s holding me back from reading it; probably all the other reading material listed here.
Seligman, M. E. P. (2013). Authentic happiness: Using the new positive psychology to realize your potential for lasting fulfillment. New York: Free Press. (ISBN 978-0743222983)
I started this one and got really into it. However, I was torn away from it because I was reading it on my phone-app Kindle in the olden days. I haven’t gotten back into it yet. I think I want to finish The Happiness Hypothesis first.
Rufus, A. (2015). Unworthy: How to stop hating yourself. Tarcherperigee. (ISBN 978-0399175138)
Started reading, got partially through and got distracted.
Roth, G. (1992). When food is love. Plume Books. (ISBN 978-0452268180)
Exact same situation as Unworthy.
A, T. W. (2005). Got parts? An insider’s guide to managing life successfully with dissociative identity disorder. Loving Healing Press. (978-1932690033)
Ditto. Plus, I apparently don’t have DID anymore (yay!) so I have less motivation to read this book.
Up Next
Lalich, J., & McLaren, K. (2017). Escaping utopia: Growing up in a cult, getting out, and starting over. Routledge. (ISBN 978-1138239746)
I bought this before I even got admitted because I thought I was going to have the emotional energy to read it. I did not. However, I’m hoping to pick it up again now that I’m in a better space mentally.
LePera, N. (2021). How to do the work: Recognise your patterns, heal from your past, and create your self. London: Orion Spring. (ISBN 978-1409197744)
Everyone says that The Holistic Psychologist is the best ever so I bought the book when I found out I was going to be quarantined, but haven’t actually made any progress yet.
Dawson, P., & Guare, R. (2016). The smart but scattered guide to success: How to use your brain’s executive skills to keep up, stay calm, and get organized at work and at home. Guilford Publications. (ISBN 9781462522798)
This is a paper book and it’s in my locker off the unit where I cannot access it because my social worker said I had “too much stuff” in my room. If she reads this post, maybe she will understand why I actually need it.
