I just feel so deeply alone. I’ve been initiating contact with my siblings but they never ever respond. The only time I actually get to communicate with them is on Christmas if I get them gifts, so I maxed out my credit card (which had a low limit, fortunately) on Christmas presents for them. Then yesterday I had to go to a friend’s baby shower and it was a horrific experience. I’m happy for my friend and I would go to any lengths to help her if anything she has were threatened, but at the same time it was just impossible for me not to be sad that I’ve never had a party because nobody loves me and nothing good ever happens to me. Everyone kept saying how she deserved it because she’d overcome so much but she is way younger than me and I don’t understand why I don’t get the things in life that everyone else seems to get. So I texted my siblings about a hundred times and neither of them ever responded. The friend whose shower it was was surrounded by family and in-laws and seemed to know how to behave because she had experience being cherished. I went in trying to be happy and quickly ended up just trying to have a face of stone because even if it offended some people it was better than crying, which would have attracted attention. Fortunately I was able to discreetly get another friend to drive me home a little bit early and we had barely made it to the driveway and I started crying. She was good. She said the right things. Then when I got home, there was a postcard in the mailbox for me inviting me to join an honor society and I thought maybe something good would come of the day, only to find out that it cost $95 to join the society and I don’t have $95 because I spent all my money trying to make my family love me. I had to ask my cousin for money yesterday when the dryer here broke and I needed to finish my laundry at the laundromat. I can’t ask again now. So I tried those stupid payday advance apps with no success and sent out requests for donations to anyone I could stand to ask. All this did was make things awkward and damage friendships. Which things had already been damaged by the fact that, despite my BEST efforts, it was obvious that I wasn’t having fun at the baby shower and it was socially inappropriate for me not to be able to get through it properly.
I just keep turning everywhere I know to look trying to find someone who can love me but it doesn’t work. I don’t want to contact the friend who gave me a ride home because I already was sad around her yesterday and I don’t want to drain her. My other friends and cousins are either in a similar category (I don’t want to burn them out) or they are outrageously “busy” and can’t respond to messages. Which, I feel like if the Universe can’t give me a spouse and kids, it should at least give me someone to respond to my text messages. I want my grandma but she’s dead. I’m also behind in school because yesterday my day was split between the laundromat and the baby shower, and today I spent five hours commuting to and from Boston trying to donate platelets to the Red Cross. This turned out to be a fail because they couldn’t find suitable veins. I feel like it’s my fault because I fell asleep last night and didn’t get through the water I was planning to drink. The blood banks are apparently experiencing the worst shortages in living memory and I really wanted to help. What if someone who needed platelets dies because I didn’t drink water?
I feel like through all of this I just want someone to love me. I feel like if I work hard and get good grades and buy perfect Christmas presents and act happy at parties that I don’t want to go to and donate platelets then maybe I will be worthy of love and I will be like everybody else. And yet here I am, totally and 100% alone.
Someone told me to practice self-compassion. I was beating myself up for maxing out my credit card and alienating all my friends by being unpresentable at the baby shower and she suggested self-compassion but I was afraid I would do it wrong and it would be self-pity. Which I’m pretty sure is what has actually happened since this is definitely a mournful post. I feel like all I would need to be able to turn this around and do my work would be a hug. It’s not fair that there’s absolutely no one who could do that for me. Even if I wrote to people who I feel like I’ve vented to too recently, they wouldn’t be able to come out here and give me a hug. I’m just not high enough on anyone’s priority list. Everyone else has other people who rightfully deserve their attention more than me. But I’m not allowed to fucking kill myself–oh no–it would “devastate” people. Whatever. I’m just hoping I can get through this without the group home finding out and going off on me.
