Okay, so this sucks. When I discharged from the hospital, there were four people working at day treatment. There was the director, who I had worked with a lot, and three staff members. One of the staff members was new and only came in two days a week, and the other two I had worked closely with for a long time and felt a connection to. Then the director just left less than a month ago and it sucked. Then today the two full-time staff members announced that they were both leaving too at the end of next week.
I hate this, because stability at day treatment was where I was deriving most of my current emotional stability. I don’t have a family, so I really rely on the supports that I do have. My friends have their own lives and are busy and can’t replace family. The group home staff doesn’t listen to or understand me because they have a ton of underlying assumptions and then just assume that I am whatever they had presupposed that I would be. There’s nothing I can do or say to get them to grasp me for me. I’ve certainly tried. And after the massive transition from the hospital to the group home during which I had to adjust to an entirely new set of people in my life in a way that is not natural for humans as pack animals, staff at day treatment were my rock. I knew that they had been there for too long and would probably be leaving soon. I just didn’t think that they would both give notice on the same day.
In no way do I fault them. They were being exploited by the system and they need to take care of themselves. I’m not thrilled with capitalism or the fact that all of these systems are for-profit and treat their workers like they’re infinitely replaceable because the system doesn’t actually want us to get better.
I can’t have a breakdown right now. I can’t fall behind in my classes. But sometimes it really does seem hopeless. A staff member at the group home asked me the other day what I had done to cause my family to disown me. I tried to explain that it wasn’t my fault, but he clearly didn’t believe me. I’m tired of going through life and never feeling seen. Dr. X and my social worker at the hospital understood me, but they’ve also both moved on to new jobs. How am I supposed to build a stable life when I have no stable relationships? Nobody else is asked to do this. Only in the USA would I be expected to be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and be so individualistic that I was fine with random people coming in and out of my life without anyone actually committing to stay. I’m lucky to see my friends once or twice a month. Regular people have families and see the same faces every day. It’s not fair that I have to get through all by myself, and it’s not fair that society blames me for losing my family when I would have given anything to be able to have family in my life.
I don’t know if I want to go on anymore. Living life would require there to be either something in it for me, or something in it for somebody else. If I really felt like by sticking around and working hard I could make a difference and someone else wouldn’t have to go through this, I would do it. But it feels like we’re just being born into this world and the systems that are in place are stronger than any of us, and people who are born into shit situations will never be able to get out of them. Who is ever going to love me and see me every day and stay in my life and believe that I’m valuable and see me for who I actually am? At least if I died it’s possible that I could see my grandma. She would probably not be thrilled at the way I went out, but I’ve never seen the thrill in dying of old age for its own sake. I don’t understand why I’m expected to stick around and suffer until my body can’t take it anymore, and then it’s somehow less “tragic” to die of natural causes.
Dr. X worked so hard to help me. Somehow he would find out if I offed myself and I don’t want to let him down. He said that when things get hard but we push through, it’ll get better. I just really don’t see how that could happen.
Is it bad that the main thing keeping me alive right now is the fact that both my parents and probably my brother would be happy if I killed myself, and I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of winning?
And how can I go back to day treatment tomorrow? The staff genuinely cares about me and it was hard enough for them to give notice today. If they find out that I’m suicidal because I’m losing them, they’ll feel awful.
