Sometimes I feel like I’m getting it from all sides. I have a trauma disorder, and trauma disorders fall under the umbrella of mental illness, and some people with mental illness also have cognitive impairments, and therein lies the confusion. I wrote the other day about the woman who thought I didn’t know to go inside to the air conditioning if I got hot, as though I was going to just die helplessly of heat stroke out on the porch because I couldn’t figure out a solution to the problem of overheating. My medication prescriber is no better. He asked me how long I was in the hospital and I said thirteen and a half months, and he didn’t believe me until he looked through the notes in the computer. “You’re right!” he said. It was as though he thought that I thought that maybe I was wrong. And the worst offenders of all are my parents and siblings. It’s like I just get constant tiny insults and I don’t know how to respond graciously and keep my head held high through it all.
But. The people who worked at the hospital I was at knew I was smart. (Including my favorite nurse who promised she wouldn’t forget the name of my blog and you know who you are!) The people at day treatment, both staff and other clients; my current therapist; my friends; and several extended family members believe in me. The woman at vocational rehab is helping me get funding for college classes because she knows I can handle them. The majority of people in my life see me for who I am, and the rest just see the person they expected me to be before they met me. It’s not me that they’re reacting to.
So, after thinking it over at length, I’m changing med prescribers even though the guy I have right now is affiliated with a prestigious hospital and was supposed to be a real bigshot. He’s been talking to me like I was an idiot since way before I went into the hospital, so I doubt he’s going to change. I stopped initiating contact with my siblings and they have given me radio silence ever since, so I’m done trying to force relationships with them. Even when I did get through, it wasn’t them talking; they were just flying monkeys for our parents who I stopped initiating contact with a year and a half ago and who have never tried to contact me since. And frankly my life is better without them. And this group home sucks butt; however, once I’m off social security and employed, I will be able to afford to get the heck out of here too. Soon I will be surrounding myself with people who accept me instead of with the vocal minority that is rude. And I mean, that’s all anybody can do.
It is hard for me to figure out the best way for me to reach my “life worth living goals” amidst all the viewpoints I’m steeped in. Some people are 100% sure that having a trauma disorder is a choice and I could just choose to have a transformational moment and live the rest of my life uninhibited. They “believe in me” by which they mean they think that I’m not living up to my potential. Screw them. Then I’ve got the people who think my IQ is lower than that of an average amoeba. Screw them, too. But I don’t know how to find my own assessment of myself in the chaos. Is it really a good idea to try to get off social security just half a year after discharging from an inpatient stay that lasted over a year when I can’t even take a shower without literally throwing up? I don’t know, and Dr. X wouldn’t tell me (you know who you are, too) but I guess I’ll find out. I feel like just being able to say that I’m on summer break and I’m taking classes in the fall has helped me feel like I don’t have to blow my own cover immediately when talking with neurotypicals. It shouldn’t be mandatory to either be working or in school and to be audited immediately every single time one meets a new person (“What do you do?” always seems to be the second question after “What’s your name?”) but it is mandatory and I don’t get to change the rules of the game. Besides, I really do have goals for myself, despite what my idiot brother might think, and I’m impatient to reach them. It’s tough to figure out life with so many people who are either unintentionally or intentionally hurtful and nasty and I think I deal with more of that than the average person, but hopefully all of this will soon be behind me.
