I took a shower today. Historically, taking a shower has meant sweating profusely and hyperventilating for at least half an hour after getting out, but lately my body has decided to add in uncontrollable vomiting. My therapist strongly advised me to shower 1-2 times a week rather than daily since it seems like my body is having a trauma reaction even though I don’t know what it remembers that I don’t. Taking a bath is oddly not a trigger but it’s also not an option where I live now because the bathroom is just absolutely totally disgusting and there’s nothing that can be done about it because “everyone is at a different level of functioning.” Puking in the toilet like a normal person is an unappealing option for the same reason. But anyway, I actually feel really good about today’s shower since I’m learning to manage the symptoms. First I bought wipes and medical-style barf bags and had them on hand. Then I waited until after morning meds were properly digested. I set myself up a cool-down station on my bed by stashing wipes and a barf bag. While taking a shower, I tried a million mental tricks. Previously I was limited to telling myself that showering was really no big deal and it was really just a self-fulfilling prophecy that I would freak out and I would be fine if I believed that I would be fine. After this turned out to be a total failure every single time, today I turned my efforts to comforting myself, comforting myself in Spanish (comfort + added distraction since Spanish requires more mental exertion for me than does English), and thinking of one thing that can be bought in the produce aisle that started with each letter of the alphabet. Once I got out of the shower I had a nightgown ready because putting on regular clothes takes too long and doesn’t work well when one is sweating at the speed of light. Using the night gown trick afforded me enough time that I didn’t have to use my back-up barf bag and I got to hold off on puking until I got to the “safety” of my room. I will admit that puking one’s guts and then dry heaving is unpleasant. But I mostly felt victorious once the process was over. Usually when I get out of the shower I’m immediately covered in all manner of bodily fluid and I never get to feel clean. I feel like my body has “won” when that happens. This time, I “won.” And that’s probably not the healthiest way to think of it, but it’s working for now. I still beat myself up a TON and I don’t understand why this is happening and I don’t understand why I can’t just not make such a big deal out of showering and I feel all the shame as though I must somehow be causing this reaction by expecting it to happen. But as usual, downplaying the problem has only backfired so I’m left having to validate myself or whatever. I miss my cheerleading squad at the hospital and they can NOT convince me that they forgot the name of my blog since I advertised Apostate Turtle Dot Com like it was going out of style while I was there. And honestly, I worry about how I’m going to get through college classes if I can’t shower regularly. But there is no room in my 10 year plan for dilly dallying, and besides, I got through college like this before. Everybody has weird things in their budget. It looks like mine is going to be barf bags.
