It’s almost 1am. I had been going to bed by 9pm and getting up at 5am, but last night and tonight my body has decided to rebel. Well, maybe not my body as much as my mind. It is very busy feeling sad right now, so it says we can’t go to sleep.
I was out of ideas, so I turned to Reddit and posted this:
Support for would-be mothers
byu/TheApostateTurtle inCPTSD
I’m thinking that if I have to coin a term for this, it would be Childlessness Neither By Choice Nor By Infertility (CNBCNBI). Or maybe, Childlessness Because Life Won’t Cooperate (CBLWC).
This has been a gut-wrenching source of pain for years but a friend who had been dealing with infertility recently announced that she was expecting. I wanted so badly to be happy for her. And I definitely am glad that she’s pregnant, it’s just that I’m not glad that I can’t be. I feel so alone in this because most people who desperately want kids are able to take action steps to try to have them. Meanwhile, I’m just trying to get my life from Absolute Trainwreck to Slightly Together. I just feel like I have so much love to give and my turtle can’t take in all of it. I gush over and adore him, but it’s not natural for this to be expected of him. I tried gushing love all over my siblings but they almost never replied and when they did, it was so condescending and mean that I had to give up on those relationships for now. I went from sending about ten texts a day to no contact about two weeks ago and neither of them seems to have noticed.
A baby would let me gush love all over them all day long. That’s what babies are for!
