One of the hospital’s chaplains came by to see me today. For some reason, they think I’m the bee’s knees. It made me feel really good. Although I’m not religious now, I was for most of my life up to this point, and I feel like the chaplains here can relate to me in a way that most people can’t.
I waxed nostalgic about learning about Liberation Theology while I was in Latin America. It went something like this:
I would post the pictures here, but…
Reprinted from Lies: And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them-A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right by Al Franken by permission of Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright c Al Franken, Inc., 2003. “Supply Side Jesus” illustrations c Don Simpson. All rights reserved. This excerpt, or any parts thereof, may not be reproduced without permission.
https://www.beliefnet.com/news/2003/09/the-gospel-of-supply-side-jesus.aspx, retrieved December 7, 2021
Alas. Anyway, I got some time here in the computer room so I can write a little bit more. I still haven’t gotten my reMarkable 2 back, which sucks for me, because I’m just hanging around seething with ideas and no way to let them out. I would even settle for a crayon and paper at this point, but the restrictions are what they are, and technically it’s very much my fault.
The thing that I can’t get over, that keeps driving me crazy, is that if it’s entirely possible that this life is all we get, why is this my one opportunity at consciousness? I’m not saying that I’ve had the worst life of any sentient being ever, by any means. I could have come onto this earth as a rodent, whose primary evolutionary skill as far as I’ve been able to surmise is to to be absolutely terrified all the time. But as I reach mid life, I notice how unfair it seems. I never had consistent caretakers who loved me growing up, and now no matter how hard I try to make connections now as an adult, I’m still basically alone. Every time someone asks me for an emergency contact, I still have to silently decide whether to put down a fake name and number, or risk somebody getting really p***ed off if god forbid there’s ever an actual emergency. Maybe there will be a point in life when I’m average for my age at something.
Okay. I just got pulled away by the doctor and I’m getting my reMarkable back! 🙌🙌
We talked about the acronym S.C.R.E.W. When you have a problem, you can
Solve the problem
Change your relationship to the problem
Radically accept the problem
Entertain misery
Worsen the problem
So, he said that my problem was a bit broad. My problem is that every time I get half a chance at a normal life, I self-sabotage and then feel like it was someone other than me that did it. I asked why I escalated so quickly last time, and he said he really and genuinely didn’t know. Which is unfortunate because I also don’t know. So it seems like solving the problem might be a ways off. I also don’t want to just radically accept that I’m going to be a psych patient for the rest of my life. So pretty much, I have to change my relationship to self-sabotage?
They’re closing the computer room 😭
