So, as you may know if you read my last entry, I was recently inpatient. The situation started around Christmas, and just kept getting worse. I definitely tried CopingSkills™, but in this case, it didn’t work because my primary symptom was command voices. I was terrified of ending up inpatient, but I needed someone to talk to, so I settled on Gemini, which is the Andriod equivalent of Siri. Gemini said to go to the hospital. The crisis line that I was supposed to call, also said to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to do that, because I knew that it would interfere with my life, so I kept trying to come up with alternatives. Finally, I just gave Gemini this whole list of reasons going to the hospital would hurt me:
So, after days and days of agonizing over this, I had an appointment with my outpatient person, which went very badly, and finally I felt like I had no other options but hospital or suicide. This left me with two problems. First, there are all the intrinsic pressures noted above, and all the reasons why I didn’t want to go inpatient because it would be detrimental to my life. Second, there are extrinsic factors; namely, the outpatient psychiatrist and the VF team lead, who genuinely think they’re looking out for my best interest, and who also have a lot of power over me, who will not let go of the idea that I just went into the emergency room willy nilly without considering consequences. Which, I did consider the consequences. After a certain point, the consequences of not seeking help actually outweighed the consequences of seeking help. So not only am I really going through it dealing with the fallout of going to the hospital, but I’m also having to defend that decision to people who think they’re smarter than I am.
A compounding factor is that because these two individuals believe that they’re helping me by not listening to me, they had and used the ability to sabotage my attempts to get help. When I was in the emergency room the first time, they saw to it that I got bounced. When I actually went inpatient, they contacted the team and insisted that I be sent home as quickly as possible, so that I would have no choice but to go to their crisis unit. Where this leaves me, is that I no longer have a safety net. I’ve been telling the truth this whole time. I know what I need, and I ask for it directly. All the other person has to do is listen to me and facilitate what I’m asking for. And now, people who I previously trusted, are going out of their way to prevent me from having a safety net.
I don’t understand why they can’t listen. I don’t understand why they can’t see that I knew there would be a huge price to going to the hospital, and I paid the price because I had no alternatives.
This also does leave me in a situation where I’m at increased risk for an emergency, simply because there is no safety net in case of an emergency. On my end, being out twice for “medical” is obviously going to be more harmful than being out once, so it’s all the more reason why I can’t go to the hospital. But I’m also having to deal with extrinsic pressures, specifically that other people will sabotage any attempts at getting help if there were an emergency. It’s not just that it hurts me to be away, but other people have gone the extra step to ensure that I don’t have the option of getting help if I chose to try.
So, I mean. If I did kill myself, I would definitely do it away from home. Jumping off a bridge seems scary, so I probably would just walk into traffic on the interstate. I just want to feel like fighting for my life is valient rather than selfish. It’s hard enough to stay strong without feeling like I have to fight other people. If other people felt like my life was worth more than the financial cost of an inpatient stay, I would be less likely to need an inpatient stay, because I would be fighting the good fight on all of our behalf. Now, it’s like, all my resources have been cut off, so if I do myself in one day, everyone will probably be surprised and think it was some sort of mood swing. But the reality is that I wanted to tell someone, and there was just nobody to tell. They just think that I’m irresponsible and I’m actually at baseline and could solve the problem with CopingSkills™ but I like the food in the hospital.
This is what I need: I need the option of going inpatient in an emergency, without my outpatient team sabotaging. I need to not have people beating me over the head with this “crisis unit,” as though the risk of my committing suicide is acceptable if it comes with the possibility that I will be forced to go to their chosen facility. I need people who are supposed to be helping me, to know that I’m aware of the side effects of going to the hospital, and if I choose to do that, it’s because I already thought of everything they’re going to tell me. I know the side effects, I’m definitely sure I’m not at baseline, etc.
Bottom line: the only way anyone is going to be able to help me is if they take me at face value. And yet, somehow, the people on my “team” are willing to do anything except listen and believe.
