Hi everyone. This won’t be a long post, but for some reason it’s important to me to post at least once per calendar month.
So, shortly after my last post, a Very Bad Thing happened to me. It was the single most traumatic event of my life thus far. So, now it’s like… I can’t sleep, when I DO sleep I have nightmares, ADLs are virtually non-existent, I’m barely eating, I’m avoiding everybody I know, I’m terrified to leave my apartment, and I pretty much can’t think about literally anything else ever except the Very Bad Thing. Which, I mean it’s been like a month now and it’s not getting any better. A lot of that is compounded by the fact that Very Bad Thing caused me to lose my summer job, my landlady sent me an eviction notice last Friday afternoon, I got a letter in the mail today that I owe the government like $5,000, and pretty much everything maximally awful that could have happened, has been happening. In good news, the turtle and the cat are okay. I would be okay except I can’t deal with any of this shit, let alone get another job, because I can’t think about anything other than Very Bad Thing, and whether it will happen again. An inpatient stay is out of the question because of reasons, my therapist closed her practice and disappeared into the ether, and now it’s me, the kids 🐢🐈⬛, and this poor lady who works for the government to keep me mentally stable.
In good news, thanks to medical interventions, the TMJ issues are greatly improved. I feel really guilty like I didn’t appreciate my former providers as much as I should have. Although I did see them as basically demigods so maybe I did.
Anyway, I have to probably stop writing because even normal words like “provider” are triggering to me now. I wish I could close on a happier note. I will say that on my end, personally I don’t want to die. My thing is just that I’m pretty sure most humans do want me to die. Or at the very least, they want me to be able to be something I can’t be, and they’d settle for me killing myself as second best. I’m just tired of constantly fighting and constantly losing, you know?
