Well, you know it’s bad when the Apostate Turtle is seeking comfort in the familiar and starts pulling up songs from her past life, knowing that if we’re being honest the lyrics are extremely fucked up.
Technically, I ended up going way down the metaphorical rabbit hole last night after blogging. Fortunately, thanks to my BFF, plus the unlikely heroes who work for the state to keep people like me emotionally stable, plus the even more unlikely heroes at r/SuicideWatch, I’m okay again. However I do need to figure out a plan because I need to apply for jobs like today, so I need to know if I’m applying for paraprofessional jobs local to where I currently live, or if I’m going to move. Because if I’m moving, I’m not just moving out of subsidized housing with nothing in it for me; I’m moving to the city.
So, yo girl went on scribblemaps.com, looked up the farthest subway stops on each subway line, and put them on the map as markers. Then I connected all the markers with lines to create an area where I want my job to be. Then I looked up the school district map for the state, took a screenshot of the section that’s in the city, and created an overlay with 75% opacity to determine which school districts to work in. And yes, it would have been WAY easier to just search by radius IF schoolspring’s new website had been working, but it’s not. If you type in a geographical area, it crashes. Every. Single. Time. I tried workarounds. Then I just gave up and did the scribblemaps solution, created a list of school districts, and baddaboom baddabam, I have a list. Now all I have to do is keep the list from getting out of control 🙄
In the short term, I do still have to figure out how to financially recover from the most recent emergency. I’m working on getting a meeting with the landlady and her supervisor to see if they can do anything to help me, since technically the one who screwed up here was definitely her. She’s saving herself money by not hiring someone to work the weekend, which is directly costing me money in the form of missed work because the hotel doesn’t allow pets to be kept unattended. Plus, when I’m at home, I save money by cooking, and I’m here with a minifridge and a microwave and my food in plastic bins. Which is EXACTLY how it was in some past horrible experiences that lasted for years, so that definitely sucks for me. It’s like all the things that would be an inconvenience or a hassle for other people are massively magnified for me because I’ve been homeless, I’ve gone days without food, etc. So, you know. I’m basically making a to-do list here (manage emotions, make a plan to overcome financial hits, apply for jobs…) but probably the most urgent thing is to play Sims 4 and eat brownies? Because as one of those unlikely Reddit heroes pointed out, technically, my value cannot be measured exclusively by my productivity. And occasionally, doing things that I enjoy is okay and doesn’t make me morally obligated to commit suicide. And perhaps, if I could internalize these ideas, it would be really super for my overcoming PTSD.
