So, on Tuesday night, I sent the PHP one of my famous emails:
Hi. My day was good. After program, I got a call from the receptionist at my therapist’s office that my therapist never wanted to see me again. Therapist had never given me any indication whatsoever that there was any kind of problem, and made zero attempt to contact me herself. The receptionist was extremely surprised that I wasn’t okay with losing the one and only secure attachment in my life right now, who had been there for me for 15 months. She’s not dropping any other clients, just me specifically because I have trauma. But I’m supposed to believe that it has nothing to do with me, just the mental health problem that I can’t get rid of and that has caused everyone in my life to always leave me. Also I’m supposed to reframe it as a good thing that she exists and is practicing and is intentionally choosing not to see me. She KNEW me. I trusted her. She knew that my trauma came from a lack of secure attachments. And she’s terminating with me without saying goodbye because she apparently thought that would be the best thing to help me with my abandonment issues. If she can spontaneously terminate forever without any warning at all, how am I going to trust anybody? And this lady who called me was super defensive and thought I was totally out of line for being upset because I was just supposed to “reframe” everything. This always happens, just when I dare to hope that maybe my life will finally be boring and mediocre, I get the rug pulled out from under me again. And I’m supposed to be GRATEFUL because it would have been a “disservice” to me to have any involvement whatsoever in major decisions about my care.
I’m not okay with this. It’s not an isolated incident. This has been the pattern of my whole life. I have a trauma disorder, so nobody can ever stay. This lady literally told me that the reason she was terminating was because I had trauma. I can’t change that I have trauma. I came to the ER at [hospital] because I’m a fucking retard welfare queen piece of shit and apparently not interested in sparing myself and also the world a whole shit ton of problems. I seriously thought about just jumping off this bridge that I know of that has no guard rail. But I didn’t. That was probably the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life.
I doubt I’ll be in tomorrow. I doubt I’ll seek out treatment ever again. They’ll probably have to lock me up for a while for liability reasons, and then I 100% am not making this mistake again. Whoever cleans up the roadkill can dispose of my remains as cheaply as possible. If there’s an afterlife, I will see my grandma. My life is a monumentous waste of resources.
-Me
So, pretty sure I can’t go back there again. I’m going to run out of day programs I haven’t been blacklisted from.
I’m not really feeling much better now. I was okay when I was dreaming of adopting a cat, but then I remembered that I’m in debt. I finally had to write to my parents (who caused the trauma in the first place) for money and they have a knack for making me feel like an absolute parasite both to them and society at large. People who work in the psych floor I’m on are being very nice and say that my life is valuable to others. I just wish it were valuable to my family.
