Still inpatient. It’s been a bit rocky. I thought I had someone to clean my turtle’s tank and then the person forgot that she had said she’d do it, so I had to find a last minute pet sitter who could go in and do it today. However, this meant that I couldn’t spend the day trying to get someone to bring me my CPAP machine, so I’m totally exhausted and hoarse all the time. It’s hard because I know I’m asking a lot of people, so I feel bad and don’t want to push too hard because I’m afraid I’ll ask for too much and it will be an imposition. But that does leave me in a tough spot because it’s extremely hard to be working on my mental health when I can’t get oxygen at night.
Anyway, on Saturday I made this calendar to describe my month:
I met the doctor and social worker today and I think they appreciated it. It really has been a difficult month, although I’m pretty sure if I went back and pulled a random month anytime after undergrad, it would basically look like this.
Since I got here on Friday night and had all weekend to prepare for the meeting today, I also managed to jot down a couple of talking points:
I didn’t really get to get through much of this in the meeting today, because we spent more time on the calendar and meds. I do think it’s noteworthy that I feel a lot better than I did even a couple of months ago when I came in to this same hospital. That does make me feel unsure as to whether I should be here. I usually don’t seek treatment until I’m several steps beyond an emergency, which is why it takes forever when I finally do go inpatient and I don’t really stabilize ever because it got so bad that correcting it would basically take an act of God (or Dr X).
The frustrating thing is that I’m doing all this because I want to be able to go back to work, and it’s negatively affecting me at work to do so. I work in childcare, so I’m not willing to go back until I’m really, really sure that I’m stable. My job involves being responsible for, you know, vulnerable human lives, so I’m not going to show up when I’m only partially grounded in reality and the rest of me is at XYZ bad sad traumatic event or whatever. However, my boss is not happy about me being out again. This is understandable since I was out basically the 4th of July to Labor Day and I got back and worked one week (as shown on the calendar above) and now I’m out again. Also problematic, I’m not sure exactly what I said when I called in sick on Sep 12, but I definitely remember using the words, “Now I’m locked in the crazy farm,” which was probably a lapse in judgement professionally. Anyway, my boss was texting me the other day demanding the paperwork that the doctor filled out for FMLA. I told her multiple times in multiple ways that HR handles that, and she just kept coming up with new reasons. First she said that she had to be the one to fax HR, then she claimed she needed it for my file, then she claimed she needed it for a letter I requested for my landlady… and with each new reason came a whole back-and-forth of me trying to explain why she didn’t need the paperwork and she insisted that she did. She finally backed down because she kind of had to legally, but it left me really worried about my job. I feel like I need to go back kind of assuming that she’s going to try to find a reason to fire me.
So I’m not quitting or anything, and I’m genuinely hoping to keep my job. Because I like the community and I like the kids and honestly, in my life, anything resembling stability is at a premium. On the other hand, I’m also remembering that this job is one of the lowest-paying of its kind in the area, so if she fired me I would probably end up making at least $3 more per hour at any similarly position, perhaps with an easier commute. Plus, my main reasons for wanting to work in childcare are meaning/purpose and coping. Meaning and purpose because I only feel myself when I’m in my caretaking role, and coping because soothing children has the huge benefit of soothing my inner child at the same time. This job is like therapy all day, five days a week. However, the economy is great for job seekers and that could probably happen at another company just as easily.
So I’m trying to console myself. Previously I was planning to kill myself because I thought I was going to lose this job. Now I’m hoping I don’t, but I have a Plan B if I do.
So that’s my day. I’m planning to spend some time this evening trying to fill out my “safety plan.” The problem is, you’re supposed to fill it out with things that have worked in the past. And I’ve been at this for a LONG time, and the only things that work are taking a nap, being told by another person that I matter and the world needs me, and going to the emergency room. The reason for all my problems in the first place was lack of social connection, so the only thing that solves these crises is social connection. And I’m supposed to find things that I can do by myself, which is why every time I fill out a safety plan it ALWAYS fails me immediately the first time I try to use it. So now I hate writing safety plans. You know how it is.
Okay that’s all for now, don’t be afraid to leave a COMMENT!
