So, we’re supposed to do “weekly updates” for the college class that I’m in that I’ve had a grade of Incomplete in since eternity ago. I emailed my professor and tried to keep it “professional” as usual, which in my life means being as vague as is emotionally possible. So this was me:
Well. It turns out that the reason I haven’t been receiving emails is because I’m locked out of my Outlook account, and the system says my birthday doesn’t match their records, so I have to call the 800 number during business hours. This honestly is pretty in line with the rest of my week. I was out Tuesday through Friday due to a completely stupid situation that would only happen in my life. My boss gave me my job back and said, “We would love to have u back on monday..u r an amazing teacher and we would hate to lose u.” Maybe I’m cynical, but I’m reading that as critical shortstaffing. Trying to avoid getting a cold/flu/COVID which wants to be coming on, and also trying to avoid a mental breakdown. I don’t even know. I wish my boss would let me have Monday off because I just had the worst week ever, but I can definitely understand why she’s not willing to do that.
P.S. Is it normal to have horrific nightmares every single night that you’re at work and one of your students dies, is injured, or goes missing on your watch; and then be haunted by said dream the entire next day. I feel like I’m okay with it because I have PTSD so I’m going to be getting nightmares anyway so it might as well be about work, but it’s still tiring.
-Me
So, my professor was extremely nice and goes:
Oh, my goodness! You’re okay. You are feeling anxiety, and I really want to understand it and understand more about everything that’s going on and support you. Can we talk tomorrow? Let me know if that would be okay and when would work best for you.
-Professor
So I thought that was very nice of her and we set up a time to talk at 2pm. However, I was kind of concerned that she had no idea what she was getting herself into, so I sent her this audio file, which is now an unlisted YouTube video for blogging purposes:
So, you know… I can genuinely feel this one therapist that I had from 2015-2019 squealing and cringing about how absolutely humiliating it was for me that I sent this and nobody on earth would have done it except just me because I’m the most effed up person ever… however, this professor is like pulling out all the stops. Which, I went to Baptist college so I had no idea that there even were stops to be pulled. Like, when I was in college, we didn’t have a school nurse. I didn’t have a car and there were no smartphones so Uber and Lyft didn’t exist, so if you fell while running in the rain to buy a scantron so you wouldn’t get a zero on your quiz and you were bleeding like crazy from your face (let’s say… I still have the scar under my chin), you just got back in time, took the quiz, asked if you could step out to the bathroom to slow the bleeding with paper towels, and then proceeded as though nothing had happened.
Anyway, that’s not what this professor has in mind. Fast forward a few emails and she’s got ten thousand million contacts that are all mobilized to help me. Which, I wrote back, “What do all these supports do?” And this is her:
I’m honestly not exactly sure of what it looks like. I know the priority is your safety, physically and emotionally, and getting you connected with support to help with the trauma, for example, so you can be in a good and healthy place to continue your studies and/or get back to work. I will talk to [Contact] and get more information and then he’ll want to reach out to you directly.
We can talk through an immediate plan for tomorrow and also what a larger plan may look like. I want to emphasize, though, that you are 100% in control, and nothing will happen without your permission, and you can say, “No, thank you,” or “I’m not ready,” or “I don’t want that” at any point. I don’t want you to think that anything would even remotely resemble what you just went through, which is horrific and appalling and outrageous on so many levels.
I’m in your corner, and all that [Community college that apparently has actual stuff, in stark contrast to Baptist college] has at its disposal is now also in your corner and behind you and committed to your health, well-being, and success! You deserve it!
-Professor
So I’m like,
I guess I’m just really confused because I was homeschooled and then I went to [Less-Than-Woke Bible College], so none of these resources were ever available to me at any point. When I was teaching in public school we had resources like this for kids, but it never occurred to me that at 34 years old I would suddenly be on the receiving end. I feel like there must be some mistake, you know? So I’m really happy and grateful for the support, but just know that I don’t have a template for this and I don’t know what it’s supposed to look like.
In other news, I talked to an on-call clinician and she’s going to see if she can get me on FMLA so I don’t have to go back to work immediately and can maybe get more treatment than is available when I’m working/commuting 12 hours a day. I’m hopeful that in the long run that will actually be better for my career, since in the past when I’ve gone to work in this kind of emotional state, it’s been really hard to pass for normal. I’ve got this super toxic brother who is 100% sure that if I just went to work and acted normal, then I would be normal. I feel like my parents were in kind of a less-intense cult by the time he came around, though, and there is absolutely NO way he’s open to the idea that things that happen to you when you’re a toddler affect you in ways that you really can’t just choose to switch off as an adult. I know that you know this, but on a core level I really don’t, at least inasmuch as it pertains to me. Plus, he’s my kid brother, and I’ve always felt really bad for not knowing what was happening for him and preventing it. He wasn’t always an asshole.
-Me
Professor was like, “That makes perfect sense, all of it,” and proceeds with more supportive dialogue that I have exactly zero clues how to receive. I feel like she might not actually believe me that I’m old. I’ve had dreams (because I have a LOT of dreams) where I would suddenly get put in like second grade in public school because they thought I should get to experience it, but I’ve never thought it was an actual option. The supports I’ve gotten have always been from mental health types who are involved because I was “mentally ill.” Supports that apply to normal people have never applied to me.
However, I have to go because I forgot there was broken glass on my floor and I went to adjust the air conditioner and now my foot is bleeding. Profound thoughts TBD
