…and, surprisingly, the same woefully-underfunded state program that ran the group home had a lot to do with that. They really came through for me in a big way. Being out of the bougie day program is also helping a lot. Plus, there is now a new support group for people who were born or raised in cults. The rules were:
- DON’T mute yourself, because anyone can jump in whenever they want
- Eating in group is totally fine
- Swear as much as you want, which is probably going to be a lot since we all obviously have a lot of catching up to do
This worked SO much better for me. Whenever there are a lot of rules, I get freaked out and either overachieve or just fall apart. It’s like I’m just 100% convinced that if I can’t follow the rules PERFECTLY, someone is going to come and strip me naked, beat the shit out of me, and tell me I should be counting my blessings because what I actually DESERVE is infinite, eternal suffering in Hell. So, you know, given that that’s my reaction to authority, it seems like anything run by an Ivy League university’s teaching hospital might not be for me.
In other news, I’m having a great time getting my apartment set up. I moved in on a Saturday and was in the ER on a Sunday (the next day), followed by being basically bed-ridden, followed by a psychological collapse. So, that all made it hard to get organized and I love that I’m getting to do that now!
Honestly, though, the most helpful thing that’s happened to me lately is that the woman who works for the government to keep me mentally stable came over, listened to everything I had to say, and said it made complete sense that I fell apart right after moving. It was something about the nervous system but, basically, if you’re in an actively traumatizing environment, then your nervous system is heightened. She illustrated that by holding her hand up high. She explained that when you get out of the traumatizing situation, your nervous system goes down (she lowered her hand) and then you have to deal with all the emotions that you couldn’t access while your nervous system was heightened. It made me feel better both to have an explanation, and to know that SHE knew this. I was terrified that I was going to end up back in a group home because I crashed as soon as I left. So when she told me that I was safe from that and that she knew that my current living situation wasn’t the problem, suddenly I was able to relax. So I don’t want to jinx anything because I seem to be alternating very quickly between baseline and crisis lately, but I’m cautiously optimistic. And I get to go back to work on Friday, so I’m really excited about that!
