Well, I flunked out of the bougie trauma program. My only coping skills lately is not thinking about bad things that happened. We weren’t allowed to talk about trauma except in vague generalities in order to avoid triggering other people, but the stupid program materials sure used a lot of “vague generalities” such as “sexual assault.” Which, I was sexually assaulted in March and no one but no one thought I didn’t deserve it. Unfortunately, there was no venue to process any of that because it’s “vague generalities” only. I had already expressed that it felt like this program was way too advanced for me, but it was supposed to be Level One, so I didn’t know where I could possibly go that would be accessible to me. The clinician had kind of given me some platitudes and threatened to send me to this place where I’d been before where hope goes to die, so I had withdrawn my concerns. So after our vaguely general discussion of sexual assault, I discharged from the program in the middle of the day and got the fuck out of there. The same clinician discharged me, and I specifically told her that since I couldn’t access a Level One trauma program, there was no help for me and I didn’t know what I was going to do. Before ending the session, she asked if I had any safety concerns, but it was overwhelmingly obvious that there wasn’t a single blame thing she could have done if I’d admitted to having any safety concerns, so she eagerly accepted my begrudging reassurance.
I *just* spent about 16 days inpatient and flunked out of a Level One trauma program, so their next move would have to be to give up and send me someplace where they keep you clinically alive because society frowns on euthanasia. Which, the resources that are out there would be really helpful if I could advance to the point of being able to use them. It’s not like I would *have* to be a hopeless case. If I could have done this trauma program, or had social supports, I would have been fine. I’m worried about going back to work, but if I were even at that point, I would be able to grow and heal. But because I’m not at the threshold where I can reach those things, nothing is covered by insurance that can get me past the initial hump. If I confess to being suicidal, I’m back to looking at being thrown back into a group home, which is where I got the sexual assault trauma in the first place. If I had never been to the group home, I would probably have been able to access the material at the day program and healed. So why would I tell anyone that I’m suicidal if their response is going to just be more trauma, which is what’s making me suicidal in the first place?
And it’s not fair, because I DON’T want to die. I had a dream last night that I had a baby. I have that dream at least twice a week. And I’m about to be 34 and I can barely take care of my turtle. It’s so unfair. I could have had a darned good life.
