The day treatment program I was in is now defunct, but we sort of have a group chat still, just most people left. I suspect it’s because I talked about my job too much. Anyway, I tried posting in the group chat today and didn’t get much in the way of responses, but I’m sharing the screenshot here because that way my therapist will be able to see it at our next session.
I want my life to be valuable to somebody like my turtle’s life is valuable to me.
As I told someone else, I really want to call the on-call number so badly right now, but they’re part of the same agency as the group home where I live. Last time I called them, staff came banging on my door and demanded that I come open it so they could ream me out for jeopardizing their jobs. I’m not 100% sure how me calling for help jeopardizes their jobs, but I think they felt like I should have come to them first. Which, it’s hard to talk about deeply emotional things when there’s a significant language barrier. Besides, group home staff has no background whatsoever in psychology and is just getting minimum wage to work here. So anyway, they’re not going to be able to help but I can’t bring myself to call the on-call because I don’t want to get screamed at again. But it would be useful if I could call because at baseline I don’t have any suicidal ideation, but right now it’s starting to creep in. I would like to nip it in the bud. I’ve also noticed an urge to self-injure, which I hadn’t experienced in years. I just feel soooo desperately alone. I have therapy in the morning, but my concern is whether it’s going to be escalated by then to the point where it interferes with my life.
