Well. I started a new job on Valentine’s Day, also in a child care center. It’s definitely a better fit even though the pay is a bit less, and I love snuggling babies all day. Unfortunately, a couple of weeks in, things went to hell here at the group home. An acutely psychotic woman was going around the house with a baseball bat with metal spikes on it, and staff said they could do nothing to mitigate the risks to my safety due to “protocol.” I fled and ended up staying with a “friend” who claimed to understand my being asexual. He tried to rape me and I fled again, which led to a long and horrible series of events. I’m now back at the group home, secretly carrying pepper spray with me every time I leave my room, even just to pee. Staff is 100% unsympathetic and thinks the whole thing is my fault. Furthermore, they are angry about the way I spoke to them, which they felt was disrespectful. I feel like it’s not fair that I can’t ever break down, and have to be perfectly strong and composed at all times.
Anyway, after that I got norovirus. I had a temperature of 103 for like days. I don’t think staff really noticed. I got better enough from that that I could go back to work, but I just kept adding infections and never actually recovering all the way from any of them. I still have the cough that I’ve had since Christmas. I have to bring pullups to work and change them frequently because my bladder voids itself from coughing so hard. I throw up in trash cans. Last week I missed work several days again, and I’m worried I’ll get fired. I went to the PCP and he says something is suppressing my immune system. He ran blood work and it came back very abnormal, and he’s going to try to get me back in next week when the antibiotic is completed. Again, staff does not seem to believe me and they think I’m hamming it up. I was having body aches and having trouble going down the stairs, and I didn’t even know staff was around when they appeared out of nowhere and yelled at me for how I was descending the steps.
I just feel so absolutely alone. I want Dr. X. I want to be able to sleep knowing that if I didn’t wake up, someone would notice. I don’t know if this unbearable fatigue is physical illness or dissociation. I feel like I’m usually pretty independent, but right now I just desperately want to be held.