Well. Laryngitis was the final straw and I’m not longer working where I was at. Technically I quit and technically it was impulsive and technically it was probably a bad idea. I was convinced I was going to be fired anyway. However, I wasn’t necessarily wrong, and after weeks of intensely beating myself up for quitting my job, my therapist convinced me that it probably wasn’t the best work environment there, anyway. So now I have a new job at a different day care in the same town. It pays $3.60/hour less than the last job and it’s two miles farther away, but it’s close to a bus stop and the last job was 1.5 miles from the nearest bus stop. So I’ve decided that I’m over it and it’s time to move forward and stop lamenting my failures. I’m supposed to start the new job tomorrow, but there have been some issues with fingerprinting. Specifically, the fingerprinting company hasn’t contacted me to set up an appointment. I called the workplace again and they said they would look into it. I’m hoping the fingerprinting folks don’t blow my cover and tell my new job that I literally was just fingerprinted six weeks ago.
I do have a few complaints. This was my draft when I started writing this entry last week on Friday:
My new job starts Tuesday. Last time I was excited and this time it doesn’t matter how many times my therapist says it wasn’t my fault what happened at the last job, I’m dreading going back to work. It feels like I’m fated for disaster again. Other than that… I slept through my physical therapy appointment today and I hate myself for it, my roommates ignored labels and stole a bunch of my food out of the freezer, and I had to cancel my bicycle lesson because of money issues. So it’s been a terrible day. I feel completely defeated. My poor turtle had had no water in his tank for days because I started cleaning it and ran out of steam. Fortunately I managed to sort of finish that tonight but it was neglect and I feel like the world’s worst mom.
Also I got a call from the doctor today that I have moderate sleep apnea… which I knew and which was the reason I was avoiding the sleep study for so long. I don’t know where in my room they expect me to put a CPAP machine or when they expect me to clean it or how they expect me to pay for it
I basically slept all day when I had so much to do
I got overwhelmed and did nothing
I hate getting older because I spent all the prime years of my life in the hospital and it’s not fair that I’ll never get to have the experience of being young.
I’m scared because I feel like I’m going in and out of dissociation. Dr. X and I tried every possible strategy with me to break a dissociative episode, including smelling salts and ice dives, and everything made it worse not better. The only thing that worked was waiting it out. Which is easier when you’re in the hospital and don’t have responsibilities
I can deal with bad things happening but sometimes I wish that just once in a while something good would happen
I’m tired of being strong and an island and whatever
As one person put it, it’s hard when you get to a certain point in life and you’ve had plenty of momentous sad life events and no momentous happy ones
I really wanted to be patient of the month.
I miss Dr. X
Fear of authority, inability to say “no” to employers
Me, on a sad Friday evening
I applied specifically for a part-time job but job listings never actually match the job they present to me in the interview, so they said it was going to be full-time and I just agreed to it because I can’t say no to anyone I perceive as authority. I think being beaten several times a day as a child for minor infractions probably contributed to this. But whatever, I think full-time is for the best. My dear friend dragged me out of the house on Saturday morning for coffee and I felt much more optimistic and less defeated after that.
My to-do list is way too long. I’m worried about so many things that I forget what I’m even worrying about. Which is a nice break from my normal experience when I legitimately am not worried about anything but my body is so used to being in panic mode all the time that I get the physical anxiety without any actual anxious thoughts. And I feel okay. I’m proud of myself for handling things, however imperfectly.
