Background: My cousin died four days ago. I loved my cousin.
I keep thinking that I should work on this dissociation and maybe feel things. Like, I’m so numb right now that I just took out the trash barefoot and wearing nothing but a tiny short-sleeved nightgown and barely felt cold. (It’s in the 20sF and feels like it’s in the 10sF with wind chill.) So forget about actual EMOTIONS. But then whenever an emotion penetrates my defenses, it SUCKS and I’m like “JUST KIDDING WE LIKE DISSOCIATION LET’S GO BACK TO THAT!!!”